Recently my twenty-one year old brother was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis.... I feel so ripped off for him!! A tall, handsome, talented football player and musician, now quietly suffering and searching.
Questions... why?
what caused it?
how will it affect him?
how can he manage?
will it stop him from being able to play the guitar or drums or piano? or football? permanently?
will it shorten his life?
what can i do to help?
He told me on the phone today that the specialist seems to have one answer for all his questions... RA is so unique and unpredictable in each individual, so we take things as we go.
The day that I found out that he was being diagnosed with RA a few weeks ago, I was undergoing tests with Nate to see if he had septic arthritis in his hip. He woke up one morning in pain and couldn't move, and i put it down to pins and needles, or growing pains. I made him climb down from his bed and get himself ready for school as usual. In our busyness, I actually didn't notice until we were walking from the car to the classroom, actually how consistent his pain and his restricted movements were!
He was quietly teary as I left him at mat time, but after talking with the teachers we decided to see if he would settle in to class and his hip might loosen up. I ran off to lead a bible study which ran until 11am, and then I rang the class to check on him. He was still in lots of pain so I took him straight in to Dr and all these tests started. He had blood taken and an Xray which took the rest of the day. The whole time i had to push him round in Clay's pram because he was in so much pain! But by the next day he was fine. He said he could still feel pain when moving in a particular way, but he was able to play happily.
In the end it was just "Irritable Hip Syndrome", but it was five days of a daily trip to Dr to keep it under close watch, and two trips to the hospital for an ultrasound. It is stupid to fit in all these visits around normal life, you really just can't get ahead with housework and meals. And the thoughts going on about it possibly being septic arthritis was totally draining! the fact that he was better the next day was encouraging though. I'm very thankful that the dr's were so thorough and cautious.
Noone close to me has suffered from a form of arthritis (except my grandma in the winter in her old age) and then bam, in one day, all this going on with Nate and then Dad says whats going on with my brother.
The outcome has been much more serious for him though. He is struggling to carry out a day's work, losing money from his sick days, forking out money to trial drugs and visit the specialist, and has had to change (cancel) his plans to travel overseas with his girlfriend. It will affect his career choices. He is seriously reconsidering the ways he eats and exercises and his general health and wellbeing, and talking with him about it was overwhelming even for me all these kilometres away.
I fight the urge to mother him. I fight the urge to bible bash him. And like in all of those situations, where there is bad news, you are never sure what to say... for fear of it sounding like what everyone else is saying or maybe because it might sound superficial.
I asked him today if he thinks we should pray for healing, and he said yeah ok. I have not prayed sincerely for full healing before. I am one of those people who will use the cop-out - "if it's in your will".... Of course I believe my God CAN heal him! But I do think it's important to seek His will first... and that's where the grey area lies..... is God stripping him bare of his comforts and diversions in order to bring him to his knees?..... is he allowing this for the strengthening of my brother's heart and for the purpose of his heart to receive his FULL portion not from his bodily strength but from the Living Water??
And how confusing is this... if you pray for healing, well you might not see it get answered here on earth but of course when you stand before the Throne in Heaven you are healed, you are in your new body.... with a fuller appreciation for it... and so begins my weird understanding of "The god of opposites" which i have never quite been able to articulate.
But my brother has agreed that praying for healing is a great idea. Well of course, what harm is it going to bring?.... the harm i can see it bringing is a negative impact on your faith if you don't see a miracle.....
In this very situation, i truly believe that the miracle will not be the physical denouncing of Rheumatoid Arthritis or not... The miracle will be my brother understanding that he is healed - in his heart. This is the miracle that I am praying for.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
More on the tooth fairy thing.
Well, right on time after all the tooth fairy talk, Hughie has now lost his first baby tooth!
It was the first one that he cut, not quite six years ago when he was six months old.
It was while throwing a tantrum on his bed, that he was biting his doona and pulling it through his teeth that one gave way - hopefully one that was ready to go anyway. There was blood and tears and a little fear. The excitement overthrew the rage. I've got a wobbly tooth! I've got a wobbly tooth! That was about a week ago. Memories came back about trying to eat apples and wiggle it with your tongue. I had no idea how long it was from the time it became wobbly until the time it would fall out. Time is measured differently when you're a kid.
So, i decided all on my lonesome to play along with the tooth fairy game, to see if, in all the excitement, he might give in to the idea of the tooth fairy and stop ruining all the dreams and hopes of the mothers of the children he goes to school with!
He put his little tooth in a little tupperware snack cup and put it under the pillow, and he checked with me that the tooth fairy would still be able to exchange it for money. He fell asleep really quickly (being in bed by 5pm - that will have to be another blog), but he awoke later at about 7pm with a fever and an hour after panadol and a drink, he was still feeling uncomfortable and so we set him up with a Buzz Lightyear movie and a drink and a bucket. At 9.30 it was our bedtime and his movie had finished, so he pops back into the bedroom and brings out the snack cup. "Mum, why haven't you changed this yet?" he goes. I did a double take and then tried to play it low. "What do you mean, Hughie?" "Why haven't you changed my tooth for money yet?" Okay Kiah stay smart here. "Don't be silly Hughie. That's the Tooth Fairy's job and she always does that when you're asleep." Hughie looks at me sideways while he goes back to bed. Then went straight to sleep. He was fast asleep by the time I had fuddled around getting ready to get in to bed. So I snuck in and acted on behalf of the Tooth Fairy.
What do you do with the tooth, anyway? After taking it from under the pillow i couldn't help but feel a little sentimental about chucking it. This tooth that my baby grew!!! Then, eewwww, chuck it. Then, Quick, make sure noone can see it in the bin, Cover up my dirty work.
First thing this morning.... "Mum!!! Thank you for my money!!!"
"What do you mean, Hughie?"
"The money you gave me. Thank you!!"
"You're Welcome, darling."
The Tooth Fairy was never gonna work with me n Hughie.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Tooth fairy trauma #2
Well, i chatted to Hughie about what he told {emma}. Turns out, nobody had told him anything about the tooth fairy, he had just reached the conclusion himself. He said to me, Mum, all those movies about fairies and stuff, they aren't real.
I said Hughie, when you lose a tooth, don't you want the tooth fairy to bring you some money? Tooth fairies aren't gonna trade for your tooth if you go spreading lies about them. (!)
He said Muuh-um, don't be stupid.
When he was four, he did ask us once, why my christmas present was wrapped in the same wrapping paper as the stuff Santa had brought.
He's too switched on that boy. I don't think any of our kids are gonna get any santa or tooth fairy magic, half because he bursts bubbles by being too clever... and half because i'm not too fussed about lying to my kids.
He does get enthused about the Easter bunny though, so it'll be interesting to see how that goes!
I said Hughie, when you lose a tooth, don't you want the tooth fairy to bring you some money? Tooth fairies aren't gonna trade for your tooth if you go spreading lies about them. (!)
He said Muuh-um, don't be stupid.
When he was four, he did ask us once, why my christmas present was wrapped in the same wrapping paper as the stuff Santa had brought.
He's too switched on that boy. I don't think any of our kids are gonna get any santa or tooth fairy magic, half because he bursts bubbles by being too clever... and half because i'm not too fussed about lying to my kids.
He does get enthused about the Easter bunny though, so it'll be interesting to see how that goes!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tooth fairy trauma
This morning, a very grumpy Hughie trundled off to class. As i watched him walk to school, I was pulled aside.
"Um, i just wanted to talk to you about something. Yesterday, {Emma-not-real-name} (who is in Hughie's class) was a bit upset about something Hughie said... he actually told her that the Tooth fairy is not real and it's just mums and dads who give you money! I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. She has only lost one tooth before and now she has been cheated of the magic! Now i have to think of some ways to re-kindle the magic."
Pause for effect.
Not really sure how to react.
Aside from being extremely sorry for causing trouble.
So i apologise profusely.
And honestly, we have never talked about the Tooth Fairy at all with Hughie. He doesn't even have a wobbly tooth in sight, we've been checking. I guess plenty of kids in his class have experienced it, and I suppose they all talk about the Tooth Fairy. Personally i haven't even thought about it at all.... it's not the type of magic i have been dying to recreate for my kiddies.
So i have no idea how he knows the truth, and i guess now we'll have to take him aside and fill him in on the sensitivity side of it all before he kills anyone elses dreams! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
"Um, i just wanted to talk to you about something. Yesterday, {Emma-not-real-name} (who is in Hughie's class) was a bit upset about something Hughie said... he actually told her that the Tooth fairy is not real and it's just mums and dads who give you money! I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. She has only lost one tooth before and now she has been cheated of the magic! Now i have to think of some ways to re-kindle the magic."
Pause for effect.
Not really sure how to react.
Aside from being extremely sorry for causing trouble.
So i apologise profusely.
And honestly, we have never talked about the Tooth Fairy at all with Hughie. He doesn't even have a wobbly tooth in sight, we've been checking. I guess plenty of kids in his class have experienced it, and I suppose they all talk about the Tooth Fairy. Personally i haven't even thought about it at all.... it's not the type of magic i have been dying to recreate for my kiddies.
So i have no idea how he knows the truth, and i guess now we'll have to take him aside and fill him in on the sensitivity side of it all before he kills anyone elses dreams! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Saturday, June 16, 2012
too christiany?
Someone reckons my posts are weird because they feel too religious. Blogging has been helpful for me to organise thoughts and feelings, and well, it just so happens that most of everything in my life now relates to my God! sooo i'm not sure how i can work with that. i can probably talk less about god and more about just goodness. but god is goodness and goodness has a whole nother syllable.
another tip was, well, can i possibly be a bit more funny in my blogs please, to make them easier to read? haha! no. I can be funny, when i am with funny people. there are some certain people with particular senses of humour that spur me on. when i'm not with those people all my funny disappears, seems to! sooo on with the boring , religious blog entries hahaha! well thankfully i am not endeavouring to expand my readers to infinity and beyond. i'm not doing this to gain money or popularity. I just need to organise my thoughts! its my diary.
maybe it'll help some people along the way or explain reasons for some things i do.
You know Paul Colman Trio's song.. the one that goes "Not good enough for you, not dirty enough for some?" - it's a bit like that. lots of religious people will think i'm far from religious. and lots of non-religious people will think i'm trying to be a goody two shoes.
I guess it reverts back to my last blog hey- in the end, only one thing matters, what God thinks! the freedom to be meeee. yaaaayeeeee
another tip was, well, can i possibly be a bit more funny in my blogs please, to make them easier to read? haha! no. I can be funny, when i am with funny people. there are some certain people with particular senses of humour that spur me on. when i'm not with those people all my funny disappears, seems to! sooo on with the boring , religious blog entries hahaha! well thankfully i am not endeavouring to expand my readers to infinity and beyond. i'm not doing this to gain money or popularity. I just need to organise my thoughts! its my diary.
maybe it'll help some people along the way or explain reasons for some things i do.
You know Paul Colman Trio's song.. the one that goes "Not good enough for you, not dirty enough for some?" - it's a bit like that. lots of religious people will think i'm far from religious. and lots of non-religious people will think i'm trying to be a goody two shoes.
I guess it reverts back to my last blog hey- in the end, only one thing matters, what God thinks! the freedom to be meeee. yaaaayeeeee
Friday, June 15, 2012
Defense mechanisms
I've been feeling really defensive lately.
It's time to hand it over to God.
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me except my God. My father who created me in the secret place and knows every single thing about me, who has trailblazed the way before me... He is the way! He is the ultimate judge!
This is where the rubber hits the road!
To humble myself before someone who thinks I have wronged them.
Because they are made from the same clay as me. Because the Lord trailblazed the way for both of us! Because it is only by His grace that I stand here, and it is only by His grace that these roles aren't reversed.
Praise the Lord that he will enable me to sacrifice my pride in order to receive his love and for his loved ones to receive his love through me.
It's time to hand it over to God.
It doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me except my God. My father who created me in the secret place and knows every single thing about me, who has trailblazed the way before me... He is the way! He is the ultimate judge!
This is where the rubber hits the road!
To humble myself before someone who thinks I have wronged them.
Because they are made from the same clay as me. Because the Lord trailblazed the way for both of us! Because it is only by His grace that I stand here, and it is only by His grace that these roles aren't reversed.
Praise the Lord that he will enable me to sacrifice my pride in order to receive his love and for his loved ones to receive his love through me.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Made from the same clay (Validate me! Part 2) {edited wednesday 13th}
Well after a harrowing few days, my mind seems semi-organised and the boys are happily playing together so i think i will try and verse what's been happening for me!
It appears I have fronted a storm sent by the devil. He knew how to get to me, guard down, and it's been troubling me. I have been going through the motions of "taking my cares to the cross". The Lord finally answered my prayers today and has brought me a true peace about it. One where I know I'm not imploding feelings that i'll need to deal with later. It's all very fresh though so i will continue to rely heavily on the Lord for strength, wisdom, but most of all, LOVE.
So my last blog touched on most of what is going on, but not really!!... if that makes any sense!! Obviously, i am very passionate about breastfeeding. I want to help mums in Australia breastfeed. I want breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding to become normal in our culture. I want to stop mums from making uninformed decisions about not breastfeeding.
I don't want to say that formula is okay......
...........if breastfeeding can work.
But if breastfeeding can't work, oh, Praise God that there is an alternative.
But what I've learned is that I really don't want to make anyone feel guilty. I don't want to be the person that people think I judge them for not breastfeeding. I don't want people who already feel guilty, to project their guilt and insecurity onto me, tall-poppy-syndrome style.
Last week, in a public, local facebook forum, ---
{I am editing this post after my husband's comments to me about it.
It is supposed to be a blog about how exactly I am arriving at a point where I can forgive someone, and yet, by blogging about it i feel that I am still seeking validation from other people that "I am right" ....missing the heart of the matter entirely.
So this blurb is replacing a whole lot of story that nobody really needs to know the details of.
In a nutshell, I was deeply offended by a close friend, and it all had to do with the issues regarding breastfeeding which are close to my heart. I now know that the Enemy was at work here, finding a way in to my soul to steal away some Love. o! how wonderful that the battle has been WON.}
---This whole last week, I have been going through motions in my prayers: "Help me to forgive her. Help me to seek validation from you Lord. Thank you for being Huge over all this and that it will all work to your glory. Give me wisdom Lord. Lord, help me in this hardship. Help me to not be swayed by these problems..." etc. But i was just feeling like it was motions.... I take my problems to the cross, I get forgiven, and therefore i can forgive..
Easier said than done!
Your heart has to really seek grace and mercy to receive revelation from the Lord. All week it has just felt like motions. going through the motions. There was no emotional peace for me. until this morning.
Except for bouncing thoughts and experiences off Wozza, and concocting random thoughts of prayer, I have been imploding my feelings of frustration and hurt. I have been witholding from sharing them with anyone as it really is not my place to return the judgement, and I know that within women's circles things can turn into bitchy, gossipy muck in the flash of an eye.
I have known all along that I do not need to seek validation from "Betsy"... I have been telling myself I have all i need in the Lord. But then really fighting the urge to go and get confirmation from "Maeve", our mutual friend, about what a bitch "Betsy" has been. Why? Well i thought that it was just for de-briefing, or working out ways to practically deal with it, or to see if she's okay in all of this! It was confronting to realise later that I was actually wanting to do this because I could gain validation from Maeve. Not Betsy as I was aware would not be right, but Not the Lord.
But i was talking to the Lord this morning in the car, and i found otherwise. "Ring Clemence" He speaks, but i wasn't 100% if it was just something i wanted to do. But my heart was speaking the same thing. Clemence... not her real name. my dear friend back "home" in South Australia.... an encyclopedia of biblical wisdom, representing my time of spiritual nurture in our home back in the hills of adelaide. She was removed enough from any of my situations that i felt i could speak to her, and i'm glad i did. I thank God she is there for me. I thank God that she was there for me today. And I thank God that he can use her to speak wisdom in my life.
I was gently reminded that I am made from the same clay as Betsy.
The burden of arrogance or self-righteousness has been lifted when i remember this. I am no better than her! And suddenly, that visual that I have been trying to access comes straight back to me: An ocean, endless to the horizon all the way around me, representing God's endless love for me. His mercies for me never cease, pouring Grace out on me that i could never deserve.
And I can now take my little teeny cup, and scoop up just a little bit of this unending love for me, and pour it on "Betsy".
It appears I have fronted a storm sent by the devil. He knew how to get to me, guard down, and it's been troubling me. I have been going through the motions of "taking my cares to the cross". The Lord finally answered my prayers today and has brought me a true peace about it. One where I know I'm not imploding feelings that i'll need to deal with later. It's all very fresh though so i will continue to rely heavily on the Lord for strength, wisdom, but most of all, LOVE.
So my last blog touched on most of what is going on, but not really!!... if that makes any sense!! Obviously, i am very passionate about breastfeeding. I want to help mums in Australia breastfeed. I want breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding to become normal in our culture. I want to stop mums from making uninformed decisions about not breastfeeding.
I don't want to say that formula is okay......
...........if breastfeeding can work.
But if breastfeeding can't work, oh, Praise God that there is an alternative.
But what I've learned is that I really don't want to make anyone feel guilty. I don't want to be the person that people think I judge them for not breastfeeding. I don't want people who already feel guilty, to project their guilt and insecurity onto me, tall-poppy-syndrome style.
Last week, in a public, local facebook forum, ---
{I am editing this post after my husband's comments to me about it.
It is supposed to be a blog about how exactly I am arriving at a point where I can forgive someone, and yet, by blogging about it i feel that I am still seeking validation from other people that "I am right" ....missing the heart of the matter entirely.
So this blurb is replacing a whole lot of story that nobody really needs to know the details of.
In a nutshell, I was deeply offended by a close friend, and it all had to do with the issues regarding breastfeeding which are close to my heart. I now know that the Enemy was at work here, finding a way in to my soul to steal away some Love. o! how wonderful that the battle has been WON.}
---This whole last week, I have been going through motions in my prayers: "Help me to forgive her. Help me to seek validation from you Lord. Thank you for being Huge over all this and that it will all work to your glory. Give me wisdom Lord. Lord, help me in this hardship. Help me to not be swayed by these problems..." etc. But i was just feeling like it was motions.... I take my problems to the cross, I get forgiven, and therefore i can forgive..
Easier said than done!
Your heart has to really seek grace and mercy to receive revelation from the Lord. All week it has just felt like motions. going through the motions. There was no emotional peace for me. until this morning.
Except for bouncing thoughts and experiences off Wozza, and concocting random thoughts of prayer, I have been imploding my feelings of frustration and hurt. I have been witholding from sharing them with anyone as it really is not my place to return the judgement, and I know that within women's circles things can turn into bitchy, gossipy muck in the flash of an eye.
I have known all along that I do not need to seek validation from "Betsy"... I have been telling myself I have all i need in the Lord. But then really fighting the urge to go and get confirmation from "Maeve", our mutual friend, about what a bitch "Betsy" has been. Why? Well i thought that it was just for de-briefing, or working out ways to practically deal with it, or to see if she's okay in all of this! It was confronting to realise later that I was actually wanting to do this because I could gain validation from Maeve. Not Betsy as I was aware would not be right, but Not the Lord.
But i was talking to the Lord this morning in the car, and i found otherwise. "Ring Clemence" He speaks, but i wasn't 100% if it was just something i wanted to do. But my heart was speaking the same thing. Clemence... not her real name. my dear friend back "home" in South Australia.... an encyclopedia of biblical wisdom, representing my time of spiritual nurture in our home back in the hills of adelaide. She was removed enough from any of my situations that i felt i could speak to her, and i'm glad i did. I thank God she is there for me. I thank God that she was there for me today. And I thank God that he can use her to speak wisdom in my life.
I was gently reminded that I am made from the same clay as Betsy.
The burden of arrogance or self-righteousness has been lifted when i remember this. I am no better than her! And suddenly, that visual that I have been trying to access comes straight back to me: An ocean, endless to the horizon all the way around me, representing God's endless love for me. His mercies for me never cease, pouring Grace out on me that i could never deserve.
And I can now take my little teeny cup, and scoop up just a little bit of this unending love for me, and pour it on "Betsy".
Friday, June 8, 2012
Validate me!
I am so tired of hearing about debatable topics!
Especially because in my old age i am becoming so opinionated!!! and i have to conciously take myself through detaching myself from my opinions and thinking about what's more important!!
Never let the things that matter most, be at the mercy of the things that matter least.
In mother's circles all over the western culture there are mamas who are insecure, who feel like failures, or who are in denial, who want to be validated.
Can you conceive a baby.
Can you artificially conceive a baby.
Did you have an abortion.
Did you use selective reduction.
Was the pregnancy interfered with or intervened with invading tests and scans.
Did you birth naturally.
Where did you birth.
Did you allow your baby to be taken away.
Did you allow anyone to inject your baby with hep B or vitamin K.
Did you allow anyone to cut the umbilical cord too soon.
Did you eat your placenta.
Did you allow your baby to find your nipple himself.
Was your partner supportive or emotionally available.
Did you try to breastfeed.
Could you breastfeed.
Did you give up breastfeeding.
Why.
Did you room in with your baby.
Are you co-sleeping with your baby.
Are you sleep training your baby.
Is your baby sleeping on his back.
Are you using a dummy.
Are you wearing your baby.
Are you controlled crying.
Are you letting your baby cry it out.
Did you fall pregnant straight away.
Did you mean to.
Are you using disposable nappies.
Do you give your baby medicine.
When did you introduce solids.
Are you toilet training your baby.
Are you using baby sign language.
Do you send your baby to childcare.
Did you immunise.
Far out... these little debatable issues are all off the top of my head and that's only thinking of a parent with a baby up to the age of 6 months. Imagine the ones to come!
I pretty much have an opinion on each of these things too. Some of them are obviously way stronger opinions than others. Did you see that big controversial Time magazine cover last month? it was all over facebook and then all the parodies to follow. "Are you Mom enough?".... an article regarding attachment parenting and breastfeeding into childhood.
For me, it highlighted the divide between mums and the way they do things and the way we judge others when they do it differently.
At Birth Circle last week we looked at VBAC. Vaginal Birth After Ceasarean. We heard stories of traumatic firstborn births followed by healing with a peaceful second, natural birth story. And then we heard mums sharing their determination to 'succeed' at their impending second birth which will hopefully be VBAC. I have a friend who has had three c-sections, and is seeking to have a VBA3C. For a healing rite of passage type journey.
The statistics in Australia on c-sections are unbelievably high... in my opinion (which is not necessarily very researched) it is because of money, insurance, schedules, and fear of birth. From memory, the World Health Organisation believe that about 15% of births need a ceasarian, and the amount of births resulting in a section in Australia is up near the 40% mark. or something.
But the part that i see is when i am getting to know a fellow mum. Where did you have your baby?, I will ask, when we get on to the topic of our birth stories. And it is straight away that you can tell what she is going to say about her birth. Whether she owns her story and is proud of it or not. Whether she is denying or justifying something, and whether she knows if she is denying or justifying. "Oh, I had my first down at King Eddie, and it was a really difficult labour.", she'll say, and i feel like saying, No sh*t it was a difficult labour?? Then she will go on to say "After 30 hours of labour, i had to have an emergency ceasarean because the baby's head was going to get stuck in my pelvis." And i supress another detrimental comment "Oh yeah, was that at about 5.30pm on a Friday afternoon?" Seriously what help am i? So i nod and empathise with the parts that i can: That inner fear of the pain. That inability to cope with the pain. The imminent danger on your body or your child. Making huge decisions amid the excrucriating contractions.
And I validate her for who she is.
And I redirect any negativity toward , well sometimes the medical staff, sometimes the western culture and attitude toward birth.
But some people wouldn't validate her and i know she would be incredibly sensitive toward that, whether she knew or not.
There is an underlying feeling there.... Because there are people who have had the experience of an unnecessary, intervened birth who have been healed, and they are going to be like this huge golden idol for those who have not been healed.
Feelings get suppressed, or denied. And what other ways are there to deal with the feelings apart from having another baby and giving it another go? I don't know.
I'm not sure that i am articulating what i want to say very well... it's looking more like i spewed up on the page!.... bear with me.
Another thing is breastfeeding.
BREAST IS BEST.
BREAST. IS. BEST!!!!!
And everyone knows this! don't they?
There are some who can't breastfeed, and some who don't. For whatever reason. The job of a breastfeeding counsellor is broad , but it is to support a mother in her feeding her baby. It is certainly not to put down those who choose to give their babe artificial breastmilk. It's evangelising breastmilk.
There are mums out there who suffer guilt. Endless guilt because they couldn't breastfeed. Is their child healthy? Yes.
What is more important? To be able to breastfeed or for the mother to be emotionally stable?
I wasn't going to answer that question but i will... For the mother to be emotionally stable! of course!
But actually breastfeeding IS SO IMPORTANT!... and later , past the hard yards, breastfeeding will actually contribute to a mother's stability.
It is hard because i have this faith.
I have faith in an unseen God. who has stood the ages. who has reached in to my life and shown me his awesomeness. who has plucked me from the miry clay. who has worked everything in my past to his glory. who rolled up his sleeves so that I could know him.
A perfect God.
And i want those around me to know this God too, because there are so many lies and misconceptions about god floating around this world. and it's actually really really important.
Like more important than parenting in a particular way. Yer, i know. REALLY important.
The bible has shown me that i can impart words when I am being prompted by the Spirit ... I can gain all sorts of wisdom and knowledge but if i have not LOVE i may as well be a loud clanging cymbal in the background.
So with this urgency of our eternal wellbeing.... i rest knowing that God will use me as he pleases, and that he will reach into the lives of others clearly enough if i just love. And i don't need to impart words if i can love.
And how to love all these flailing mothers around me? Mothers who feel so guilty or insecure. Mothers who attack other mothers because of their insecurity. Mothers who exclude other mothers because of judging and condemnation. Mothers everywhere who are suffering postnatal depression.
I can't preach at them and bash them with the bible. God said love them.
I can't preach the ways that i think are right, the ways that i think will help them. God said love them.
But knowing where guilt comes from, and how to guard yourself from it is so important too. Not only in your personal relationship with God but also just for your own wellbeing as a mum, regardless of if you believe.
Sooooo I am gonna copy and paste now.... my comment on a friend's facebook thread.... and I am not sure how it will tie in but here goes.
Any Guilt that anyone feels is coming from their own insecurity.
I would say to your friend, to parent from her heart, which is obviously what she is doing. But
let judgement and criticism roll off your back, and spread your wings to protect your family. Do what you know is best for you and your family. And be true to your faith because
where your faith is your security is
and where you are secure you cannot be guilty.
Lord.... thank you that you have made me whole. Thank you that you are my security. Thank you that you are my hope! Thank you for the perspective that all this will come to pass.... and in the end, what matters is that you have made it possible that i can spend eternity with You. Thank you that I am valid to You.
Now... did ANY of that make sense???!
Especially because in my old age i am becoming so opinionated!!! and i have to conciously take myself through detaching myself from my opinions and thinking about what's more important!!
Never let the things that matter most, be at the mercy of the things that matter least.
In mother's circles all over the western culture there are mamas who are insecure, who feel like failures, or who are in denial, who want to be validated.
Can you conceive a baby.
Can you artificially conceive a baby.
Did you have an abortion.
Did you use selective reduction.
Was the pregnancy interfered with or intervened with invading tests and scans.
Did you birth naturally.
Where did you birth.
Did you allow your baby to be taken away.
Did you allow anyone to inject your baby with hep B or vitamin K.
Did you allow anyone to cut the umbilical cord too soon.
Did you eat your placenta.
Did you allow your baby to find your nipple himself.
Was your partner supportive or emotionally available.
Did you try to breastfeed.
Could you breastfeed.
Did you give up breastfeeding.
Why.
Did you room in with your baby.
Are you co-sleeping with your baby.
Are you sleep training your baby.
Is your baby sleeping on his back.
Are you using a dummy.
Are you wearing your baby.
Are you controlled crying.
Are you letting your baby cry it out.
Did you fall pregnant straight away.
Did you mean to.
Are you using disposable nappies.
Do you give your baby medicine.
When did you introduce solids.
Are you toilet training your baby.
Are you using baby sign language.
Do you send your baby to childcare.
Did you immunise.
Far out... these little debatable issues are all off the top of my head and that's only thinking of a parent with a baby up to the age of 6 months. Imagine the ones to come!
I pretty much have an opinion on each of these things too. Some of them are obviously way stronger opinions than others. Did you see that big controversial Time magazine cover last month? it was all over facebook and then all the parodies to follow. "Are you Mom enough?".... an article regarding attachment parenting and breastfeeding into childhood.
For me, it highlighted the divide between mums and the way they do things and the way we judge others when they do it differently.
At Birth Circle last week we looked at VBAC. Vaginal Birth After Ceasarean. We heard stories of traumatic firstborn births followed by healing with a peaceful second, natural birth story. And then we heard mums sharing their determination to 'succeed' at their impending second birth which will hopefully be VBAC. I have a friend who has had three c-sections, and is seeking to have a VBA3C. For a healing rite of passage type journey.
The statistics in Australia on c-sections are unbelievably high... in my opinion (which is not necessarily very researched) it is because of money, insurance, schedules, and fear of birth. From memory, the World Health Organisation believe that about 15% of births need a ceasarian, and the amount of births resulting in a section in Australia is up near the 40% mark. or something.
But the part that i see is when i am getting to know a fellow mum. Where did you have your baby?, I will ask, when we get on to the topic of our birth stories. And it is straight away that you can tell what she is going to say about her birth. Whether she owns her story and is proud of it or not. Whether she is denying or justifying something, and whether she knows if she is denying or justifying. "Oh, I had my first down at King Eddie, and it was a really difficult labour.", she'll say, and i feel like saying, No sh*t it was a difficult labour?? Then she will go on to say "After 30 hours of labour, i had to have an emergency ceasarean because the baby's head was going to get stuck in my pelvis." And i supress another detrimental comment "Oh yeah, was that at about 5.30pm on a Friday afternoon?" Seriously what help am i? So i nod and empathise with the parts that i can: That inner fear of the pain. That inability to cope with the pain. The imminent danger on your body or your child. Making huge decisions amid the excrucriating contractions.
And I validate her for who she is.
And I redirect any negativity toward , well sometimes the medical staff, sometimes the western culture and attitude toward birth.
But some people wouldn't validate her and i know she would be incredibly sensitive toward that, whether she knew or not.
There is an underlying feeling there.... Because there are people who have had the experience of an unnecessary, intervened birth who have been healed, and they are going to be like this huge golden idol for those who have not been healed.
Feelings get suppressed, or denied. And what other ways are there to deal with the feelings apart from having another baby and giving it another go? I don't know.
I'm not sure that i am articulating what i want to say very well... it's looking more like i spewed up on the page!.... bear with me.
Another thing is breastfeeding.
BREAST IS BEST.
BREAST. IS. BEST!!!!!
And everyone knows this! don't they?
There are some who can't breastfeed, and some who don't. For whatever reason. The job of a breastfeeding counsellor is broad , but it is to support a mother in her feeding her baby. It is certainly not to put down those who choose to give their babe artificial breastmilk. It's evangelising breastmilk.
There are mums out there who suffer guilt. Endless guilt because they couldn't breastfeed. Is their child healthy? Yes.
What is more important? To be able to breastfeed or for the mother to be emotionally stable?
I wasn't going to answer that question but i will... For the mother to be emotionally stable! of course!
But actually breastfeeding IS SO IMPORTANT!... and later , past the hard yards, breastfeeding will actually contribute to a mother's stability.
It is hard because i have this faith.
I have faith in an unseen God. who has stood the ages. who has reached in to my life and shown me his awesomeness. who has plucked me from the miry clay. who has worked everything in my past to his glory. who rolled up his sleeves so that I could know him.
A perfect God.
And i want those around me to know this God too, because there are so many lies and misconceptions about god floating around this world. and it's actually really really important.
Like more important than parenting in a particular way. Yer, i know. REALLY important.
The bible has shown me that i can impart words when I am being prompted by the Spirit ... I can gain all sorts of wisdom and knowledge but if i have not LOVE i may as well be a loud clanging cymbal in the background.
So with this urgency of our eternal wellbeing.... i rest knowing that God will use me as he pleases, and that he will reach into the lives of others clearly enough if i just love. And i don't need to impart words if i can love.
And how to love all these flailing mothers around me? Mothers who feel so guilty or insecure. Mothers who attack other mothers because of their insecurity. Mothers who exclude other mothers because of judging and condemnation. Mothers everywhere who are suffering postnatal depression.
I can't preach at them and bash them with the bible. God said love them.
I can't preach the ways that i think are right, the ways that i think will help them. God said love them.
But knowing where guilt comes from, and how to guard yourself from it is so important too. Not only in your personal relationship with God but also just for your own wellbeing as a mum, regardless of if you believe.
Sooooo I am gonna copy and paste now.... my comment on a friend's facebook thread.... and I am not sure how it will tie in but here goes.
Any Guilt that anyone feels is coming from their own insecurity.
I would say to your friend, to parent from her heart, which is obviously what she is doing. But
let judgement and criticism roll off your back, and spread your wings to protect your family. Do what you know is best for you and your family. And be true to your faith because
where your faith is your security is
and where you are secure you cannot be guilty.
Lord.... thank you that you have made me whole. Thank you that you are my security. Thank you that you are my hope! Thank you for the perspective that all this will come to pass.... and in the end, what matters is that you have made it possible that i can spend eternity with You. Thank you that I am valid to You.
Now... did ANY of that make sense???!
Friday, May 18, 2012
smack smack.
Smacking. *cringe*
My opinion, which is a work in progress. Full of varied experiences both new and old, plenty of positive ones and also some very bad mistakes there too. How thankful i am to be living an honest and very very humbled, forgiven life before my kids.
While there is a difference between smacking and abusing, the grey area is very very big, and i am so sure it differs for every individual, INCLUDING Each Parent and each of their children.
Smacking should never occur out of frustration. It should never happen in a place where the child feels threatened or embarrased. It should never happen because of pressure from other parents or peers who think your child is "out of control".
I do smack my kids. It comes hand in hand with forgiveness and a clean slate. It only happens when the boundary that was crossed, was a very clear boundary. It is never surprised on the kids, for something they didn't mean to do, or didn't know was wrong.
The discipline relationship i have with each of my children is different from the other. One child does not respond to smacking, he becomes more angry. One child needs space to process the events and then for it to be dealt with so that we can move on.
Before Smacking though, a lot of positive parenting needs to be in place. A lot of training and practising. A lot of rewarding and praise. A lot of speaking the love language that your child can hear.
I don't think that abusing or bullying your child into obedience is acceptable one little bit. But training your child to obey and showing the importance of it is. For example, running on the road? IMPORTANT. Turning on the telly without asking? not so important.
Thats my 2c worth :)
My opinion, which is a work in progress. Full of varied experiences both new and old, plenty of positive ones and also some very bad mistakes there too. How thankful i am to be living an honest and very very humbled, forgiven life before my kids.
While there is a difference between smacking and abusing, the grey area is very very big, and i am so sure it differs for every individual, INCLUDING Each Parent and each of their children.
Smacking should never occur out of frustration. It should never happen in a place where the child feels threatened or embarrased. It should never happen because of pressure from other parents or peers who think your child is "out of control".
I do smack my kids. It comes hand in hand with forgiveness and a clean slate. It only happens when the boundary that was crossed, was a very clear boundary. It is never surprised on the kids, for something they didn't mean to do, or didn't know was wrong.
The discipline relationship i have with each of my children is different from the other. One child does not respond to smacking, he becomes more angry. One child needs space to process the events and then for it to be dealt with so that we can move on.
Before Smacking though, a lot of positive parenting needs to be in place. A lot of training and practising. A lot of rewarding and praise. A lot of speaking the love language that your child can hear.
I don't think that abusing or bullying your child into obedience is acceptable one little bit. But training your child to obey and showing the importance of it is. For example, running on the road? IMPORTANT. Turning on the telly without asking? not so important.
Thats my 2c worth :)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Fingerprints
It's nearly Mother's Day.
Mother's Day will probably not be all that relaxing for me. It will start by being down at the town oval by 7am with all of my children to help out at the Mother's Day Fun Run, while Woz heads down to the church as he is rostered on for playing guitar.
It will end by freezing chicken stock and packing away dishes and washing and lunches ready for the week ahead.
In between, we might get to munch on some dip while the kids ride laps around us on the patio? or take the dog down to the park?
Last year I got to a point where everything was too much. I couldn't keep up with my three and a half children and I hired a cleaner. Things got better though. By the end of the year i was going to the gym regularly and finding time and space for myself. My ultra supportive husband made sure of that! But the snowball had tipped off the edge of the hill, we had started to settle in to life here and make friends. Settling in to the church meant we should help out here and there.
I took on a few jobs at the church. They are not big jobs. Of course, they are bigger jobs than i thought. Oh well - everyone realises that I am running a home with six people living here, right? And that it's a full time job?
Obviously not.
And people have been suggesting I learn how to say no. I thought it would be easy but it's really hard. Because, as Mum keeps reminding me, I am naturally a caretaker. I am a "guardian provider". I notice other people's needs, and I strive to help.
At least once a week for the last six weeks, somebody has told me quite firmly to learn how to say no.
Then, about a week ago, my dear partner in life, suggests that maybe i've taken on too much, that I'm a bit frazzled, a bit regularly frazzled.
So i write a mental list of the things that I am doing at the moment. I'll write it here.
Organising the church creche. (Team leader and rosters)
Organising the MOPS creche workers
MOPS team - morning tea once a month
MOPS team - small group discussion leader fortnightly
Bible study leading fortnightly
Hosting Home Group weekly
Henna Happy - my creativity outlet which is snowballing into a business
Neways - a multi level marketing business where i can work at my own pace
ABA Counselling training
Birth Circle
Camera club
Aside from this: Wozza works 55 hours every week, is on the music roster every three weeks or so and has got an endless list of possible other ways to spend any time that i let him have. He is way better at saying no than I am.
Quite a bit, ey?
Where do I get the time to spend with my kids? Or do the food shop? Clean the house? Cook some meals? Invest in healthy snack making? Relax with my husband? Take the kids out? Catch up with my friends? Go to the gym? Walk the dog? Wash the bedding? Meander in the garden? Take the rubbish out? .....write a blog entry?
I have been pondering how I am going to go about the business of stopping the snowballing. And all week, i've been So frustrated with the kids making mess around the house. I have lost the time to be able to actively teach them how to pick up after themselves or structure their day whatsoever. It's just back foot mode. Pick up after them because it's quicker. Pour the coffee two thirds full so that a third doesn't spill out into the car. Oh that reminds me, Theo wet his pants in the car earlier, while we were picking up the boys from school. He was exiting the car, sitting on a seat that's folded down, and the little handle to lift the seat up filled with wee. I forgot about that til just now.
Last Sunday morning, after working in the creche, I ran a very brief meeting for all the creche workers to touch base. An email arrived prior asking all church volunteers to attend a "safe" workshop which is a five hour long study regarding the church's insurance and liabilities and is important for all people like me to attend, so that I don't accidentally find myself in trouble. Well, thinks I, that's okay, I attended it last year! So i don't need to! Then, i read further: the writer of the email says: Currently there is no creche available but i am working on that, in the hopes that more of you may be able to attend.
Now i didn't need anybody to tell me that that person was going to ask me to run the creche for the safe workshop so that more people can run creche.
Sure enough I was asked just after the meeting.
Hello?? I have got FOUR, YOUNG CHILDREN and i am doing A LOT ALREADY. NOBODY SEEMS TO GET THIS!!!! Will they just keep asking me to do stuff? (apart from my list of stuff, I have probably said No or Maybe to at least that much stuff too. weird hey? i thought so)
Well, I had had plenty of time to gather up a "No" by then, right? But in all seriousness, who is going to run a creche for something like that? It's five hours. On a Sunday afternoon. But somebody has got to do it.
I didn't say yes, but I didn't say No. I am a little confused about how much I should trust God to look after me, and keep being willing to serve. And how much I should trust him to place on other people's hearts to serve.
Today was a particularly bad day in the way of learning curves about being busy. It starts off a couple of days ago with a text message. One of the creche workers for MOPS is sick. That's ok, I thought to myself. She was the sixth girl I had rostered on. Then yesterday I still had not heard confirmation back from the fifth girl, but my day had disappeared from underneath me, and I ran out of time to look at other options. Oh well - if they are busy, I will go in there and help out, I think to myself. I did a shop run to get the morning tea i'd run out of time to make. Then this morning: tea on in the slow cooker, three lunches made, three boys ready with bags packed, fourth boy ready, settle kindy boy into kindy, settle two year old who is extremely upset about slipping on the mud and getting mud on his shoes, attend a 45 minute long school assembly and take photos, receive the dreaded text: I am sick, i can't help at creche today. get to MOPS: Mayhem. only three girls on, and 24 preschooler children. One mum had stayed to help. then the real problem was that i was needed out in the mums groups as a small group leader. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
as a guardian provider, wanting everyone to be happy, this was terribly stressful for me. it didn't help that at the end of the morning, somebody ate the last macaroon in front of theo, and that i couldn't understand what he was so upset about, and then he fell over on the bitumen, and everyone was incredibly upset.
which brings me to now. i just picked up my little kindy boy Nate and he has all these presents for me for Mother's day.
including the picture I've posted. oh my gosh, yes, i am SO frustrated Nathaniel at the dirty prints you leave everywhere. and oh my gosh YES, i am SO blown away at how it is May already and for all the stuff that is taking up my time, you have been pushed down the rungs. oh my gosh yes, i know that you will be grown up before i know it. I don't deserve these presents! Last year, i put a cleaner on so that i could be a better MUM, and now i am the same MUM with a hundred other things going on. i don't deserve a mother's day this year!
So today, I am seriously re-considering all that i am doing. i only know one thing for sure, one thing the Lord is telling me loud and clear. putting my children first.
(sorry about the long rant. i guess this is why i blog. wozza will be thankful that i've blogged all this and sort of organised my thoughts before he needs to hear it all!!!)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My God
Came across this quote/poster which is really awesome... it got me thinking, so i re-wrote it, and maybe i will make the time one day to make it all fancy and print out for my bedroom wall or something.
My God is the most powerful force revealed to me. i embrace him, seek him. dive in, hold on, receive love (part of that love being my circles of women)... he sees all of me. i show myself.. my reluctant tears have and do fall, i wrestle with the parts of him that i dont understand yet, he helps me love,
My God is the most powerful force revealed to me. i embrace him, seek him. dive in, hold on, receive love (part of that love being my circles of women)... he sees all of me. i show myself.. my reluctant tears have and do fall, i wrestle with the parts of him that i dont understand yet, he helps me love,
I am changed. The very fabric of my being has been altered by this.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
the life of my six year old
I'm hanging out the washing, and pondering little Hughie's life.
As friends around me have their next babies and their life paths change, i reflect over the paths our family have taken and how we have arrived here.
Hughie had his second detention at school last week. He is in year 1 and he had one in term one. Now another one. His school life flashed before my eyes. He isn't phased about detention. It's just sitting in a class room in trouble. The word "detention" does not have the same grasp on him as it did me. It won't stop him from doing anything. I envisige his lunch times wasted away, most days swinging on a chair, given plenty of time to dwell on negative feelings and making Being Naughty, normal.
Detention is something i don't have control over. I can't hover over him at school or in the playground and make sure that he doesn't hit or scratch anymore. I can't tell the teachers to. I can't tell the teachers who he can or can't sit with on the mat. I can't tell the teachers not to give him detention.
Hughie has always been this way - our firm disciplines and boundaries have never been able to reign him in, and he is most comfortable sitting just outside the rules. Six years of this, and now we pick our battles very, very carefully. He will fight hard.
Having said that, if he does make a decision, he sticks to it. There is a particular girl at school, not in his class, that he has been clashing with at lunch times. They have a love/hate relationship and things get out of control before anyone sees anything. Stories have come home about people getting hurt as a result of their games. We have discouraged the relationship all year, asking Hughie to play with his classmates instead. Until last week, he ignored this and did as he pleased. He would just say, but i like playing chasey with her Mum. There isn't anything i can do about where the children play at lunchtime or who is watching them. But last week, we made headway. I asked Hughie to make his own decision about what is right and what is wrong. I said he needs to think about being wise and doing what's right. He has returned from school each day and informed me who he's played with, and that he hasn't played with Rebecca (not her real name of course!). It was all his decision. When he decides, he will stick to that decision. He responds much better to that than beign told what to do.
Our battles with Hughie are very very intricate, and i always feel that nobody understands. I feel encouraged that our same parenting styles have "succeeded" more with his younger brothers - when i say "succeed" i don't mean anything except that they are more obedient. For instance, each morning, I can say to Nathaniel, can you please go to the bathroom, and wash your face, AND style your hair? Then the next time i see him, it was done ages ago. If i say the same thing to Hughie, i need to prompt him, remind him, remind him, prompt him, follow him, force him and even then the job is half done, and before i know it, I am kissing him goodbye at the school gate and his hair was never touched and he still has toothpaste and milk around his mouth!
When i was hanging out the washing, i was looking at Theo, toddling around, completely involved in his imaginary world of little pirate people and sesame snacks. He is going to be three in a few weeks, and i only have this year left with him at home, as he goes to kindy next year.
I thought back to Hughie's third birthday, and before i knew it i was flitting over his whole, amazing, turbulent life.
Hughie was conceived in less than ideal circumstances, to a lost, 19 year old mother. He was born into the loving home of his grandparents.
We got married when he was 8 months old (Clay's age now) and moved to CHINA, away from any support network.
I was pregnant again within the next couple of months and Hughie began weaning himself from the breast.
We moved provinces in China when Hughie was just turned 1 and started all over again. Hughie's strong will became more and more apparent every day and Woz and myself flailed about with our hands in the air about how to deal with him. Sometimes I long to have these precious early days again, and try again with my experience. When I think back to these days I just have to trust that the Lord had his hand over us all and watched our story pan out, and will work it all to his glory in the end.
Hughie was 19 months old when Nate was born. We lived in Hong Kong for six or seven weeks around his birth. That was a turbulent three months for Hughie as we had two weeks prior to moving to hong kong, of conflicting parenting issues as my grandparents stayed with us on holiday. And then as we anticipated Nate's birth, Nannajenn helped us more than anyone could know. The attention that Hughie demanded at that stage, was now met with the help of Nannajenn. Then we had to settle back into just Woz, me, Hughie and another baby. Not to mention the international visitors that flowed in in the coming months to meet Nate and see China.
Over our time in China, we made a lot of weekend trips to Shanghai or Hong kong to stock up on western groceries among other reasons. There were stacks of hotel stays and bus trips, train trips. Our only way of getting around was public transport. And then there were several trips back to Perth/Adelaide over those couple of years. When i see Hughie now, I know just how much he needs routine, and when i look back, he really had none! I remember thinking I was doing him and myself a favour, by never giving him routine. Thinking that it's a good character trait, to be able to be flexible. I would change that if I could!!
Then we moved back to Australia. that was on his second birthday! It took a month for us to travel between Perth and Adelaide, and another six weeks before our furniture arrived at our house in Adelaide. I remember for two months, the confusion about sleep routines, the controlled crying, the tantrums, the battles. Most nights we had people over, to catch up, to eat tea with us at our card table (no furniture!) and trying to settle Hughie each night. Most of our friends at that stage did not have children. Most of our friends believed in coming down with a heavy hand on strong-willed Hughie. It was a confusing time for me. I would change that too if i could!
All this time, Nate, fitting in beautifully with our family.
Then pregnant again! Hughie got another brother shortly after his third birthday. We found good friends and settled in to a routine of play groups and activities. Hughie started kindy, and learned, horribly, how to be away from me. We suffered the 'poo ordeal' - a year long drama with poo accidents, poo smearing, constipation and re-training.
We had german backpackers live with us for almost four months over the summer just before Hughie turned four. That was a learning curve for us all. Trying to be generous and reaching out, and teaching our family about living in community which is important to me. This had a big impact on Hughie as there was no space for him to be free to be himself. There were other people to watch him, dob on him. It was helpful in a way, for me, but also a confusing way for him to learn about authority.
Then we moved to the north west.... another big change in Hughie's life (all of our life!) and he started full time school. After six months we moved house again.
The big changes weren't finished as just after his fifth birthday our household grew to accommodate my best friend and her hubby, and also Wozza's parents, who all lived here over the Pilbara winter last year. Hughie got another little brother. He battled emotionally with his grandparents for space in his own home.
And that brings us to now - anticipating moving house again in the near future, maybe even to Perth or who knows where. Hughie's life of change. Yes, we have brought him flexibility and community and hopefully not at the cost of his wellbeing. He is only six and he has come SO FAR!!!
He has moved house Seven times! He has lived in six different cities!! He has gained and adjusted to three younger siblings! He has had to wait for his mother to grow, mature, come into her own! He has lived with not only his five family members, but also at least eight other people in situations of long term temporary accommodation!! And he has been denied hours of blissful co-sleeping that , I believe, led to weary tantrums and founding bad behaviour patterns!!
A couple of detentions, I am telling myself, IS NOT TOO BAD. This boy is a work in progress. His caring heart and strong will is going to get the best of him. Six years of hard work is behind us and I trust God to get us through every day of the next six. One day at a time.
Hughie, I pray for you every day. That our God gives us and continues to give us the abundant wisdom and love that we need so badly to raise you. Forgive me for my mistakes and inexperience. Be patient with us as we guide you into manhood. and What a man you are going to be! One strong, stubborn Leader. I pray that you don't get told what to do or how to be, but that with revelation from the Lord of his love, grace and mercy for you, you will decide for yourself to strive to be a man after God's own heart.
As friends around me have their next babies and their life paths change, i reflect over the paths our family have taken and how we have arrived here.
Hughie had his second detention at school last week. He is in year 1 and he had one in term one. Now another one. His school life flashed before my eyes. He isn't phased about detention. It's just sitting in a class room in trouble. The word "detention" does not have the same grasp on him as it did me. It won't stop him from doing anything. I envisige his lunch times wasted away, most days swinging on a chair, given plenty of time to dwell on negative feelings and making Being Naughty, normal.
Detention is something i don't have control over. I can't hover over him at school or in the playground and make sure that he doesn't hit or scratch anymore. I can't tell the teachers to. I can't tell the teachers who he can or can't sit with on the mat. I can't tell the teachers not to give him detention.
Hughie has always been this way - our firm disciplines and boundaries have never been able to reign him in, and he is most comfortable sitting just outside the rules. Six years of this, and now we pick our battles very, very carefully. He will fight hard.
Having said that, if he does make a decision, he sticks to it. There is a particular girl at school, not in his class, that he has been clashing with at lunch times. They have a love/hate relationship and things get out of control before anyone sees anything. Stories have come home about people getting hurt as a result of their games. We have discouraged the relationship all year, asking Hughie to play with his classmates instead. Until last week, he ignored this and did as he pleased. He would just say, but i like playing chasey with her Mum. There isn't anything i can do about where the children play at lunchtime or who is watching them. But last week, we made headway. I asked Hughie to make his own decision about what is right and what is wrong. I said he needs to think about being wise and doing what's right. He has returned from school each day and informed me who he's played with, and that he hasn't played with Rebecca (not her real name of course!). It was all his decision. When he decides, he will stick to that decision. He responds much better to that than beign told what to do.
Our battles with Hughie are very very intricate, and i always feel that nobody understands. I feel encouraged that our same parenting styles have "succeeded" more with his younger brothers - when i say "succeed" i don't mean anything except that they are more obedient. For instance, each morning, I can say to Nathaniel, can you please go to the bathroom, and wash your face, AND style your hair? Then the next time i see him, it was done ages ago. If i say the same thing to Hughie, i need to prompt him, remind him, remind him, prompt him, follow him, force him and even then the job is half done, and before i know it, I am kissing him goodbye at the school gate and his hair was never touched and he still has toothpaste and milk around his mouth!
When i was hanging out the washing, i was looking at Theo, toddling around, completely involved in his imaginary world of little pirate people and sesame snacks. He is going to be three in a few weeks, and i only have this year left with him at home, as he goes to kindy next year.
I thought back to Hughie's third birthday, and before i knew it i was flitting over his whole, amazing, turbulent life.
Hughie was conceived in less than ideal circumstances, to a lost, 19 year old mother. He was born into the loving home of his grandparents.
We got married when he was 8 months old (Clay's age now) and moved to CHINA, away from any support network.
I was pregnant again within the next couple of months and Hughie began weaning himself from the breast.
We moved provinces in China when Hughie was just turned 1 and started all over again. Hughie's strong will became more and more apparent every day and Woz and myself flailed about with our hands in the air about how to deal with him. Sometimes I long to have these precious early days again, and try again with my experience. When I think back to these days I just have to trust that the Lord had his hand over us all and watched our story pan out, and will work it all to his glory in the end.
Hughie was 19 months old when Nate was born. We lived in Hong Kong for six or seven weeks around his birth. That was a turbulent three months for Hughie as we had two weeks prior to moving to hong kong, of conflicting parenting issues as my grandparents stayed with us on holiday. And then as we anticipated Nate's birth, Nannajenn helped us more than anyone could know. The attention that Hughie demanded at that stage, was now met with the help of Nannajenn. Then we had to settle back into just Woz, me, Hughie and another baby. Not to mention the international visitors that flowed in in the coming months to meet Nate and see China.
Over our time in China, we made a lot of weekend trips to Shanghai or Hong kong to stock up on western groceries among other reasons. There were stacks of hotel stays and bus trips, train trips. Our only way of getting around was public transport. And then there were several trips back to Perth/Adelaide over those couple of years. When i see Hughie now, I know just how much he needs routine, and when i look back, he really had none! I remember thinking I was doing him and myself a favour, by never giving him routine. Thinking that it's a good character trait, to be able to be flexible. I would change that if I could!!
Then we moved back to Australia. that was on his second birthday! It took a month for us to travel between Perth and Adelaide, and another six weeks before our furniture arrived at our house in Adelaide. I remember for two months, the confusion about sleep routines, the controlled crying, the tantrums, the battles. Most nights we had people over, to catch up, to eat tea with us at our card table (no furniture!) and trying to settle Hughie each night. Most of our friends at that stage did not have children. Most of our friends believed in coming down with a heavy hand on strong-willed Hughie. It was a confusing time for me. I would change that too if i could!
All this time, Nate, fitting in beautifully with our family.
Then pregnant again! Hughie got another brother shortly after his third birthday. We found good friends and settled in to a routine of play groups and activities. Hughie started kindy, and learned, horribly, how to be away from me. We suffered the 'poo ordeal' - a year long drama with poo accidents, poo smearing, constipation and re-training.
We had german backpackers live with us for almost four months over the summer just before Hughie turned four. That was a learning curve for us all. Trying to be generous and reaching out, and teaching our family about living in community which is important to me. This had a big impact on Hughie as there was no space for him to be free to be himself. There were other people to watch him, dob on him. It was helpful in a way, for me, but also a confusing way for him to learn about authority.
Then we moved to the north west.... another big change in Hughie's life (all of our life!) and he started full time school. After six months we moved house again.
The big changes weren't finished as just after his fifth birthday our household grew to accommodate my best friend and her hubby, and also Wozza's parents, who all lived here over the Pilbara winter last year. Hughie got another little brother. He battled emotionally with his grandparents for space in his own home.
And that brings us to now - anticipating moving house again in the near future, maybe even to Perth or who knows where. Hughie's life of change. Yes, we have brought him flexibility and community and hopefully not at the cost of his wellbeing. He is only six and he has come SO FAR!!!
He has moved house Seven times! He has lived in six different cities!! He has gained and adjusted to three younger siblings! He has had to wait for his mother to grow, mature, come into her own! He has lived with not only his five family members, but also at least eight other people in situations of long term temporary accommodation!! And he has been denied hours of blissful co-sleeping that , I believe, led to weary tantrums and founding bad behaviour patterns!!
A couple of detentions, I am telling myself, IS NOT TOO BAD. This boy is a work in progress. His caring heart and strong will is going to get the best of him. Six years of hard work is behind us and I trust God to get us through every day of the next six. One day at a time.
Hughie, I pray for you every day. That our God gives us and continues to give us the abundant wisdom and love that we need so badly to raise you. Forgive me for my mistakes and inexperience. Be patient with us as we guide you into manhood. and What a man you are going to be! One strong, stubborn Leader. I pray that you don't get told what to do or how to be, but that with revelation from the Lord of his love, grace and mercy for you, you will decide for yourself to strive to be a man after God's own heart.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Just a minute
Loading the car- baby buckled in, check. Got a spare dummy in case he wants to go to sleep? check. Two kids shuffling into their seats in the back, check. I'm doing laps to the car with a mental checklist: Sunnies, wallet, phone. Nappy bag. Snacks. Everyone's got shoes on. everyone's got clean faces - oops, no, quick - go get a face washer. Drink bottles? check. Woops- No, Nate, you can't bring that lego creation to the playground. Give it here. Take it back to your bedroom. Start the car, get the air con running. Where's the house key? Hang on, I'm missing a kid... where's Theo?
I find Theo tucked in the corner of his house with his little lego car. He is routinely constructing and deconstructing the car. He is so involved in taking the pieces apart and putting them back together that he seems unaware that people are leaving the building, but i know he is aware.
Come on, Theo! get in the car! have you got your shoes on?
Just a minute, Mum. He only has to put the little lego man in the little lego car and then he should be right to come out, I think. There we go! Lego finished. Come on, Theo!
Yes Mum, coming. Just a minute, he says, and starts taking it all apart again.
I feel impatience brimming from within. THEO!!! no! It's time to go! The lego car is already completely in pieces... it would be quicker to let him rebuild it than to start a fight about it. There are no more minutes Theo! Let's go!
Coming Mum, just a minute.
Flashback. Two hours beforehand: me, sitting here on the computer, doing my tasks. I am halfway through writing an important email and I have several pages open, links everywhere, copying and pasting, chatting on skype- the ultimate virtual multi tasker. Theo approaches with his cup. "Mum, can i have a drink of water." "Yes Theo, just a minute." "MUhuuhuuumm, can i have a drink of water!" "YES! Theo! Just , wait, a , minute. I'm nearly finished." Ten minutes later. "MUM. can i have a drink of water!" (Dammit, i forgot.) "Hughie, can you please get Theo a drink of water?" Theo comes back in another 5 minutes. "Muuumm, can i have a drink of water?" Ahw, crap, Hughie either didn't hear or completely ignored me. I say, "Just a minute Theo" and take my sweet time before the requests and volume point to the only answer- just get up and get the boy a drink!
The car is running, three boys are belted in, i have got everything i need. Come on, Theo. But I will wait just a minute.
I find Theo tucked in the corner of his house with his little lego car. He is routinely constructing and deconstructing the car. He is so involved in taking the pieces apart and putting them back together that he seems unaware that people are leaving the building, but i know he is aware.
Come on, Theo! get in the car! have you got your shoes on?
Just a minute, Mum. He only has to put the little lego man in the little lego car and then he should be right to come out, I think. There we go! Lego finished. Come on, Theo!
Yes Mum, coming. Just a minute, he says, and starts taking it all apart again.
I feel impatience brimming from within. THEO!!! no! It's time to go! The lego car is already completely in pieces... it would be quicker to let him rebuild it than to start a fight about it. There are no more minutes Theo! Let's go!
Coming Mum, just a minute.
Flashback. Two hours beforehand: me, sitting here on the computer, doing my tasks. I am halfway through writing an important email and I have several pages open, links everywhere, copying and pasting, chatting on skype- the ultimate virtual multi tasker. Theo approaches with his cup. "Mum, can i have a drink of water." "Yes Theo, just a minute." "MUhuuhuuumm, can i have a drink of water!" "YES! Theo! Just , wait, a , minute. I'm nearly finished." Ten minutes later. "MUM. can i have a drink of water!" (Dammit, i forgot.) "Hughie, can you please get Theo a drink of water?" Theo comes back in another 5 minutes. "Muuumm, can i have a drink of water?" Ahw, crap, Hughie either didn't hear or completely ignored me. I say, "Just a minute Theo" and take my sweet time before the requests and volume point to the only answer- just get up and get the boy a drink!
The car is running, three boys are belted in, i have got everything i need. Come on, Theo. But I will wait just a minute.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
A very simple menu plan!
Well, this is something i've been wanting to do for a long time. It's very simple and probably boring for most of you, but it's what we need in our family right now! I certainly have not had the time or energy to be creative in the kitchen when it comes to our every day meals.
We have settled into a little routine of a few basic meals that I've made ever since I can remember. But NOW! i'm excited... I finally sat down with the time and space, and headspace! to write down exactly which meal, exactly which day, and exactly what food i need for it. This was a little overwhelming for me to try and dream up at first, when i thought of it ages ago. So today I drew out a big calender for Term 2. I entered all my commitments and weekly routine and figured out which days I have more time to spend in the kitchen and which days are better to have tea ready for me. It became apparent for the first time, looking at it like this why the slow cooker meals haven't been convenient for me - because the days I want to come home to dinner already taken care of, are also the days I need to get out of the house quite early, so i don't have time to prepare it in the mornings.
So here's what we'll try.
Sunday (church day): a roast chook with heaps of veg, then using the rest of it to make 2 lots of chicken stock to freeze.
Monday (gym, food shopping, housework day): Tacos, also making a lasagne for wednesday night.
Tuesday (toddler jam and gym): Butter chicken with one lot of aforementioned chicken stock..... steamed rice and veg
Wednesday (gym, cleaner, home group): Pre-made lasagne with salad
Thursday (bible study, skype date, music practise): Lamb chops with mashed potato and steamed veg, or rice salad
Friday (gym): swedish meatballs with pasta and salad; Friday is also the day to make snacks such as muesli bars and biscuits and tikka paste if we need it
Saturday: BBQ
There it is in all it's glory! The hardest thing to get around for me has been finding variety amongst a limited diet (witholding additives and preservatives) as well as fitting in with our busyness and having food that we "feel like" on the day - soup on cold days, salad on hot days.
I now have a list of stuff I have to make sure we have everyweek, and i'm hoping that this will minimise those extra shopping trips we need to do. Taking into account the lunches and breakfasts and snacks and portable snacks. Wow! Food is such a huge part of our life and it's so important with the kids learning about tastes and health and all. I wish i did this years ago!
We have settled into a little routine of a few basic meals that I've made ever since I can remember. But NOW! i'm excited... I finally sat down with the time and space, and headspace! to write down exactly which meal, exactly which day, and exactly what food i need for it. This was a little overwhelming for me to try and dream up at first, when i thought of it ages ago. So today I drew out a big calender for Term 2. I entered all my commitments and weekly routine and figured out which days I have more time to spend in the kitchen and which days are better to have tea ready for me. It became apparent for the first time, looking at it like this why the slow cooker meals haven't been convenient for me - because the days I want to come home to dinner already taken care of, are also the days I need to get out of the house quite early, so i don't have time to prepare it in the mornings.
So here's what we'll try.
Sunday (church day): a roast chook with heaps of veg, then using the rest of it to make 2 lots of chicken stock to freeze.
Monday (gym, food shopping, housework day): Tacos, also making a lasagne for wednesday night.
Tuesday (toddler jam and gym): Butter chicken with one lot of aforementioned chicken stock..... steamed rice and veg
Wednesday (gym, cleaner, home group): Pre-made lasagne with salad
Thursday (bible study, skype date, music practise): Lamb chops with mashed potato and steamed veg, or rice salad
Friday (gym): swedish meatballs with pasta and salad; Friday is also the day to make snacks such as muesli bars and biscuits and tikka paste if we need it
Saturday: BBQ
There it is in all it's glory! The hardest thing to get around for me has been finding variety amongst a limited diet (witholding additives and preservatives) as well as fitting in with our busyness and having food that we "feel like" on the day - soup on cold days, salad on hot days.
I now have a list of stuff I have to make sure we have everyweek, and i'm hoping that this will minimise those extra shopping trips we need to do. Taking into account the lunches and breakfasts and snacks and portable snacks. Wow! Food is such a huge part of our life and it's so important with the kids learning about tastes and health and all. I wish i did this years ago!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Are You Gonna Have Any More Kids.
Wow, you've got your hands full.
Four boys!
Gee, that'll keep you busy.
Are you gonna try for a girl?
Are you gonna have any more kids?
The phrases I hear every single time i leave the house!
My pregnancy with Clay was the worst. Not in comparison to other peoples' - but in comparison with the other four pregnancies! LOW IRON LOW IRON LOW IRON. It took me too long to figure out how important it was and how much better I felt if i was a little bit religious about what went into my body. Now that he is seven months old i know that I NEED to remember to take that huge black pill every morning, and sometimes another at night. It really does make a humungus difference when it comes to me acting like a human or not.
So you would reckon that I'd be pretty okay with the idea of it never happening again right???
Why is it that people think they can ask me all the time if it's going to happen again? Is it just because it's a question that springs to mind because it's so obvious that Having babies is my whole life right now? and people just say what they are thinking? Recently we dined with a childless couple. Something sprung to my mind: Are you going to have any kids? But my tact told me maybe not to voice the question. They bubbly asked the question, So, are you going to have any more? We delved into the subject a little and shared our thoughts and feelings. It wasn't until the car trip home that BigW said that he had asked his mate when they were alone, about if they were going to have any kids, and his friend had said that he'd rather not talk about it. So why is it okay for them to ask us so openly?
Yeah, i get it. Cos obviously, they want kids and can't have them. So they are hurting and it would hurt to talk about it with any tom dick or harry.
You know what though? We are in a tough place too. We have FOUR kids. Four little people who demand our time, our friendship, our teaching, our money, our space, our physical care. Four little people who are going to grow up into big people and take up even more time, friendship, teaching, money, but hopefully less space and physical care. Four people might turn into eight people when they marry and then even more later on if they are as blessed as us.
Imagine if we wanted another one? FIVE. That would be- the last seat in the Territory and a Lot of hassle getting the kids in and out of it. That would be - another Year of Low, low iron, fat clothes, fat face, skin pigment moustache, so heavy can't move.... another year.... it's already been four years of it! out of the last six! That would be another couple of thou spent on stuff that we need to furnish another kid...especially if, dare i say it, it was a girl. When i do a weekly food shop, my fridge is crammed full. And Clay is only just barely starting on solids! Imagine if i had five full blown kids eating three meals a day! I'd need two fridges. I'd DEFINITELY need two thermomix bowls, but i probably already do need two.
Big W took me on a date on the weekend. I posed a question I thought I already knew the answer to. When Clay was born, i was pretty certain that I knew what BigW thought..... I assumed this. That he had taken on heaps of my workload during my pregnancy. That he didn't really want this pregnancy and would have been quite happy without another baby. That he accepted the fact that I did and was giving me this gift. When i wasn't coping with the childbirth I was pretty sure that it wasn't worth considering doing it again and that I needed to start to grieve this childbearing part of my life. I assumed that the moment I looked at BigW and said, "Go book in for a vasectomy", that he'd be down there before you could say S E X
Well back to the date. I said to BigW, What would you do if i said the word, and sent you down to the hospital to get fixed. (For fear of the v-word). He hesitated. He HESITATED. And then he said he wouldn't do it, not until he was sure how i felt. He said he didn't know how we would feel in a few years' time. And that Clay was such a delight. He really has brought us so much joy. Maybe we are that little bit more experienced as parents, and maybe we just are that little bit more sensitive to how special these baby months are (and all the months, really) but he has repaid our hardships (see first paragraph) at least a thousandfold if not, heaps more.
So in essence BigW never really stated that he wanted another child, but he did point out that he didn't not, and this has really made a mark on me. At the very least, I know that if we are to grieve this part of our lives, I know we do it together, and that he hasn't left me for dead in that section. We are really good at baby making. Haha. Well baby boy making. I know that when the time comes, I will face an identity crisis of some size, as growing my little family has been my love forever. I am overwhelmingly blessed, yes, and wanting more. Can I cope with more, no not now.
So as weird as it may seem, When all the strangers ask me in the shops if I am gonna have any more kids, or if i'm gonna try for a girl, all this is what runs through my head.
Four boys!
Gee, that'll keep you busy.
Are you gonna try for a girl?
Are you gonna have any more kids?
The phrases I hear every single time i leave the house!
My pregnancy with Clay was the worst. Not in comparison to other peoples' - but in comparison with the other four pregnancies! LOW IRON LOW IRON LOW IRON. It took me too long to figure out how important it was and how much better I felt if i was a little bit religious about what went into my body. Now that he is seven months old i know that I NEED to remember to take that huge black pill every morning, and sometimes another at night. It really does make a humungus difference when it comes to me acting like a human or not.
So you would reckon that I'd be pretty okay with the idea of it never happening again right???
Why is it that people think they can ask me all the time if it's going to happen again? Is it just because it's a question that springs to mind because it's so obvious that Having babies is my whole life right now? and people just say what they are thinking? Recently we dined with a childless couple. Something sprung to my mind: Are you going to have any kids? But my tact told me maybe not to voice the question. They bubbly asked the question, So, are you going to have any more? We delved into the subject a little and shared our thoughts and feelings. It wasn't until the car trip home that BigW said that he had asked his mate when they were alone, about if they were going to have any kids, and his friend had said that he'd rather not talk about it. So why is it okay for them to ask us so openly?
Yeah, i get it. Cos obviously, they want kids and can't have them. So they are hurting and it would hurt to talk about it with any tom dick or harry.
You know what though? We are in a tough place too. We have FOUR kids. Four little people who demand our time, our friendship, our teaching, our money, our space, our physical care. Four little people who are going to grow up into big people and take up even more time, friendship, teaching, money, but hopefully less space and physical care. Four people might turn into eight people when they marry and then even more later on if they are as blessed as us.
Imagine if we wanted another one? FIVE. That would be- the last seat in the Territory and a Lot of hassle getting the kids in and out of it. That would be - another Year of Low, low iron, fat clothes, fat face, skin pigment moustache, so heavy can't move.... another year.... it's already been four years of it! out of the last six! That would be another couple of thou spent on stuff that we need to furnish another kid...especially if, dare i say it, it was a girl. When i do a weekly food shop, my fridge is crammed full. And Clay is only just barely starting on solids! Imagine if i had five full blown kids eating three meals a day! I'd need two fridges. I'd DEFINITELY need two thermomix bowls, but i probably already do need two.
Big W took me on a date on the weekend. I posed a question I thought I already knew the answer to. When Clay was born, i was pretty certain that I knew what BigW thought..... I assumed this. That he had taken on heaps of my workload during my pregnancy. That he didn't really want this pregnancy and would have been quite happy without another baby. That he accepted the fact that I did and was giving me this gift. When i wasn't coping with the childbirth I was pretty sure that it wasn't worth considering doing it again and that I needed to start to grieve this childbearing part of my life. I assumed that the moment I looked at BigW and said, "Go book in for a vasectomy", that he'd be down there before you could say S E X
Well back to the date. I said to BigW, What would you do if i said the word, and sent you down to the hospital to get fixed. (For fear of the v-word). He hesitated. He HESITATED. And then he said he wouldn't do it, not until he was sure how i felt. He said he didn't know how we would feel in a few years' time. And that Clay was such a delight. He really has brought us so much joy. Maybe we are that little bit more experienced as parents, and maybe we just are that little bit more sensitive to how special these baby months are (and all the months, really) but he has repaid our hardships (see first paragraph) at least a thousandfold if not, heaps more.
So in essence BigW never really stated that he wanted another child, but he did point out that he didn't not, and this has really made a mark on me. At the very least, I know that if we are to grieve this part of our lives, I know we do it together, and that he hasn't left me for dead in that section. We are really good at baby making. Haha. Well baby boy making. I know that when the time comes, I will face an identity crisis of some size, as growing my little family has been my love forever. I am overwhelmingly blessed, yes, and wanting more. Can I cope with more, no not now.
So as weird as it may seem, When all the strangers ask me in the shops if I am gonna have any more kids, or if i'm gonna try for a girl, all this is what runs through my head.
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