Validate me!

I am so tired of hearing about debatable topics!

Especially because in my old age i am becoming so opinionated!!! and i have to conciously take myself through detaching myself from my opinions and thinking about what's more important!!

Never let the things that matter most, be at the mercy of the things that matter least.

In mother's circles all over the western culture there are mamas who are insecure, who feel like failures, or who are in denial, who want to be validated.

Can you conceive a baby.
Can you artificially conceive a baby.
Did you have an abortion.
Did you use selective reduction.
Was the pregnancy interfered with or intervened with invading tests and scans.
Did you birth naturally.
Where did you birth.
Did you allow your baby to be taken away.
Did you allow anyone to inject your baby with hep B or vitamin K.
Did you allow anyone to cut the umbilical cord too soon.
Did you eat your placenta.
Did you allow your baby to find your nipple himself.
Was your partner supportive or emotionally available.
Did you try to breastfeed.
Could you breastfeed.
Did you give up breastfeeding.
Why.
Did you room in with your baby.
Are you co-sleeping with your baby.
Are you sleep training your baby.
Is your baby sleeping on his back.
Are you using a dummy.
Are you wearing your baby.
Are you controlled crying.
Are you letting your baby cry it out.
Did you fall pregnant straight away.
Did you mean to.
Are you using disposable nappies.
Do you give your baby medicine.
When did you introduce solids.
Are you toilet training your baby.
Are you using baby sign language.
Do you send your baby to childcare.
Did you immunise.



Far out... these little debatable issues are all off the top of my head and that's only thinking of a parent with a baby up to the age of 6 months. Imagine the ones to come!

I pretty much have an opinion on each of these things too. Some of them are obviously way stronger opinions than others. Did you see that big controversial Time magazine cover last month? it was all over facebook and then all the parodies to follow.  "Are you Mom enough?".... an article regarding attachment parenting and breastfeeding into childhood.

For me, it highlighted the divide between mums and the way they do things and the way we judge others when they do it differently.

At Birth Circle last week we looked at VBAC. Vaginal Birth After Ceasarean. We heard stories of traumatic firstborn births followed by healing with a peaceful second, natural birth story. And then we heard mums sharing their determination to 'succeed' at their impending second birth which will hopefully be VBAC. I have a friend who has had three c-sections, and is seeking to have a VBA3C. For a healing rite of passage type journey.

The statistics in Australia on c-sections are unbelievably high... in my opinion (which is not necessarily very researched)  it is because of money, insurance, schedules, and fear of birth. From memory, the World Health Organisation believe that about 15% of births need a ceasarian, and the amount of births resulting in a section in Australia is up near the 40% mark. or something.

But the part that i see is when i am getting to know a fellow mum. Where did you have your baby?, I will ask, when we get on to the topic of our birth stories. And it is straight away that you can tell what she is going to say about her birth. Whether she owns her story and is proud of it or not. Whether she is denying or justifying something, and whether she knows if she is denying or justifying.  "Oh, I had my first down at King Eddie, and it was a really difficult labour.", she'll say, and i feel like saying, No sh*t it was a difficult labour?? Then she will go on to say "After 30 hours of labour, i had to have an emergency ceasarean because the baby's head was going to get stuck in my pelvis." And i supress another detrimental comment "Oh yeah, was that at about 5.30pm on a Friday afternoon?" Seriously what help am i?  So i nod and empathise with the parts that i can:  That inner fear of the pain. That inability to cope with the pain. The imminent danger on your body or your child. Making huge decisions amid the excrucriating contractions.

And I validate her for who she is.
And I redirect any negativity toward , well sometimes the medical staff, sometimes the western culture and attitude toward birth.
But some people wouldn't validate her and i know she would be incredibly sensitive toward that, whether she knew or not.

There is an underlying feeling there....  Because there are people who have had the experience of an unnecessary, intervened birth who have been healed, and they are going to be like this huge golden idol for those who have not been healed.

Feelings get suppressed, or denied. And what other ways are there to deal with the feelings apart from having another baby and giving it another go? I don't know.

I'm not sure that i am articulating what i want to say very well... it's looking more like i spewed up on the page!.... bear with me.

Another thing is breastfeeding.
BREAST IS BEST.
BREAST. IS. BEST!!!!!

And everyone knows this! don't they?

There are some who can't breastfeed, and some who don't. For whatever reason. The job of a breastfeeding counsellor is broad , but it is to support a mother in her feeding her baby.  It is certainly not to put down those who choose to give their babe artificial breastmilk. It's evangelising breastmilk.

There are mums out there who suffer guilt. Endless guilt because they couldn't breastfeed. Is their child healthy? Yes.
What is more important? To be able to breastfeed or for the mother to be emotionally stable?

I wasn't going to answer that question but i will... For the mother to be emotionally stable! of course!
But actually breastfeeding IS SO IMPORTANT!... and later , past the hard yards, breastfeeding will actually contribute to a mother's stability.

It is hard because i have this faith.
I have faith in an unseen God. who has stood the ages. who has reached in to my life and shown me his awesomeness. who has plucked me from the miry clay. who has worked everything in my past to his glory. who rolled up his sleeves so that I could know him.
A perfect God.

And i want those around me to know this God too, because there are so many lies and misconceptions about god floating around this world. and it's actually really really important.
Like more important than parenting in a particular way. Yer, i know. REALLY important.

The bible has shown me that i can impart words when I am being prompted by the Spirit ... I can gain all sorts of wisdom and knowledge but if i have not LOVE i may as well be a loud clanging cymbal in the background.

So with this urgency of our eternal wellbeing.... i rest knowing that God will use me as he pleases, and that he will reach into the lives of others clearly enough if i just love. And i don't need to impart words if i can love.

And how to love all these flailing mothers around me? Mothers who feel so guilty or insecure. Mothers who attack other mothers because of their insecurity. Mothers who exclude other mothers because of judging and condemnation. Mothers everywhere who are suffering postnatal depression.

I can't preach at them and bash them with the bible. God said love them.

I can't preach the ways that i think are right, the ways that i think will help them. God said love them.

But knowing where guilt comes from, and how to guard yourself from it is so important too. Not only in your personal relationship with God but also just for your own wellbeing as a mum, regardless of if you believe.

Sooooo I am gonna copy and paste now....   my comment on a friend's facebook thread....  and I am not sure how it will tie in but here goes.

Any Guilt that anyone feels is coming from their own insecurity.

I would say to your friend, to parent from her heart, which is obviously what she is doing. But
let judgement and criticism roll off your back, and spread your wings to protect your family. Do what you know is best for you and your family. And be true to your faith because
where your faith is your security is
and where you are secure you cannot be guilty.

Lord.... thank you that you have made me whole. Thank you that you are my security. Thank you that you are my hope! Thank you for the perspective that all this will come to pass.... and in the end, what matters is that you have made it possible that i can spend eternity with You. Thank you that I am valid to You.



Now... did ANY of that make sense???!