smack smack.

Smacking. *cringe*

My opinion, which is a work in progress. Full of varied experiences both new and old, plenty of positive ones and also some very bad mistakes there too. How thankful i am to be living an honest and very very humbled, forgiven life before my kids.

While there is a difference between smacking and abusing, the grey area is very very big, and i am so sure it differs for every individual, INCLUDING Each Parent and each of their children.

Smacking should never occur out of frustration. It should never happen in a place where the child feels threatened or embarrased. It should never happen because of pressure from other parents or peers who think your child is "out of control".
I do smack my kids. It comes hand in hand with forgiveness and a clean slate. It only happens when the boundary that was crossed, was a very clear boundary. It is never surprised on the kids, for something they didn't mean to do, or didn't know was wrong.
The discipline relationship i have with each of my children is different from the other. One child does not respond to smacking, he becomes more angry. One child needs space to process the events and then for it to be dealt with so that we can move on.
Before Smacking though, a lot of positive parenting needs to be in place. A lot of training and practising. A lot of rewarding and praise. A lot of speaking the love language that your child can hear.
I don't think that abusing or bullying your child into obedience is acceptable one little bit. But training your child to obey and showing the importance of it is. For example, running on the road? IMPORTANT. Turning on the telly without asking? not so important.

Thats my 2c worth :)

Fingerprints

It's nearly Mother's Day.

Mother's Day will probably not be all that relaxing for me. It will start by being down at the town oval by 7am with all of my children to help out at the Mother's Day Fun Run, while Woz heads down to the church as he is rostered on for playing guitar.

It will end by freezing chicken stock and packing away dishes and washing and lunches ready for the week ahead.

In between, we might get to munch on some dip while the kids ride laps around us on the patio? or take the dog down to the park?

Last year I got to a point where everything was too much. I couldn't keep up with my three and a half children and I hired a cleaner. Things got better though. By the end of the year i was going to the gym regularly and finding time and space for myself. My ultra supportive husband made sure of that! But the snowball had tipped off the edge of the hill, we had started to settle in to life here and make friends. Settling in to the church meant we should help out here and there.

I took on a few jobs at the church. They are not big jobs. Of course, they are bigger jobs than i thought. Oh well - everyone realises that I am running a home with six people living here, right? And that it's a full time job?

Obviously not.

And people have been suggesting I learn how to say no. I thought it would be easy but it's really hard. Because, as Mum keeps reminding me, I am naturally a caretaker. I am a "guardian provider". I notice other people's needs, and I strive to help.

At least once a week for the last six weeks, somebody has told me quite firmly to learn how to say no.

Then, about a week ago, my dear partner in life, suggests that maybe i've taken on too much, that I'm a bit frazzled, a bit regularly frazzled.

So i write a mental list of the things that I am doing at the moment. I'll write it here.

Organising the church creche. (Team leader and rosters)
Organising the MOPS creche workers
MOPS team - morning tea once a month
MOPS team - small group discussion leader fortnightly
Bible study leading fortnightly
Hosting Home Group weekly
Henna Happy - my creativity outlet which is snowballing into a business
Neways - a multi level marketing business where i can work at my own pace
ABA Counselling training
Birth Circle
Camera club


Aside from this: Wozza works 55 hours every week, is on the music roster every three weeks or so and has got an endless list of possible other ways to spend any time that i let him have. He is way better at saying no than I am.

Quite a bit, ey?
Where do I get the time to spend with my kids? Or do the food shop? Clean the house? Cook some meals? Invest in healthy snack making? Relax with my husband? Take the kids out? Catch up with my friends? Go to the gym? Walk the dog? Wash the bedding? Meander in the garden? Take the rubbish out? .....write a blog entry?

I have been pondering how I am going to go about the business of stopping the snowballing. And all week, i've been So frustrated with the kids making mess around the house. I have lost the time to be able to actively teach them how to pick up after themselves or structure their day whatsoever. It's just back foot mode. Pick up after them because it's quicker. Pour the coffee two thirds full so that a third doesn't spill out into the car. Oh that reminds me, Theo wet his pants in the car earlier, while we were picking up the boys from school. He was exiting the car, sitting on a seat that's folded down, and the little handle to lift the seat up filled with wee. I forgot about that til just now.

Last Sunday morning, after working in the creche, I ran a very brief meeting for all the creche workers to touch base. An email arrived prior asking all church volunteers to attend a "safe" workshop which is a five hour long study regarding the church's insurance and liabilities and is important for all people like me to attend, so that I don't accidentally find myself in trouble. Well, thinks I, that's okay, I attended it last year! So i don't need to! Then, i read further: the writer of the email says: Currently there is no creche available but i am working on that, in the hopes that more of you may be able to attend.

Now i didn't need anybody to tell me that that person was going to ask me to run the creche for the safe workshop so that more people can run creche.

Sure enough I was asked just after the meeting.

Hello?? I have got FOUR, YOUNG CHILDREN and i am doing A LOT ALREADY. NOBODY SEEMS TO GET THIS!!!! Will they just keep asking me to do stuff? (apart from my list of stuff, I have probably said No or Maybe to at least that much stuff too. weird hey? i thought so)

Well, I had had plenty of time to gather up a "No" by then, right? But in all seriousness, who is going to run a creche for something like that? It's five hours. On a Sunday afternoon.  But somebody has got to do it.

I didn't say yes, but I didn't say No. I am a little confused about how much I should trust God to look after me, and keep being willing to serve. And how much I should trust him to place on other people's hearts to serve.

Today was a particularly bad day in the way of learning curves about being busy. It starts off a couple of days ago with a text message. One of the creche workers for MOPS is sick. That's ok, I thought to myself. She was the sixth girl I had rostered on. Then yesterday I still had not heard confirmation back from the fifth girl, but my day had disappeared from underneath me, and I ran out of time to look at other options. Oh well - if they are busy, I will go in there and help out, I think to myself.  I did a shop run to get the morning tea i'd run out of time to make. Then this morning: tea on in the slow cooker, three lunches made, three boys ready with bags packed, fourth boy ready, settle kindy boy into kindy, settle two year old who is extremely upset about slipping on the mud and getting mud on his shoes, attend a 45 minute long school assembly and take photos, receive the dreaded text: I am sick, i can't help at creche today. get to MOPS: Mayhem. only three girls on, and 24 preschooler children. One mum had stayed to help. then the real problem was that i was needed out in the mums groups as a small group leader. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

as a guardian provider, wanting everyone to be happy, this was terribly stressful for me. it didn't help that at the end of the morning, somebody ate the last macaroon in front of theo, and that i couldn't understand what he was so upset about, and then he fell over on the bitumen, and everyone was incredibly upset.

which brings me to now. i just picked up my little kindy boy Nate and he has all these presents for me for Mother's day.

including the picture I've posted. oh my gosh, yes, i am SO frustrated Nathaniel at the dirty prints you leave everywhere. and oh my gosh YES, i am SO blown away at how it is May already and for all the stuff that is taking up my time, you have been pushed down the rungs. oh my gosh yes, i know that you will be grown up before i know it. I don't deserve these presents! Last year, i put a cleaner on so that i could be a better MUM, and now i am the same MUM with a hundred other things going on. i don't deserve a mother's day this year!

So today, I am seriously re-considering all that i am doing. i only know one thing for sure, one thing the Lord is telling me loud and clear. putting my children first.

(sorry about the long rant. i guess this is why i blog. wozza will be thankful that i've blogged all this and sort of organised my thoughts before he needs to hear it all!!!)

My God

Came across this quote/poster which is really awesome... it got me thinking, so i re-wrote it, and maybe i will make the time one day to make it all fancy and print out for my bedroom wall or something.

My God is the most powerful force revealed to me. i embrace him, seek him. dive in, hold on, receive love (part of that love being my circles of women)... he sees all of me. i show myself.. my reluctant tears have and do fall, i wrestle with the parts of him that i dont understand yet, he helps me love,
I am changed. The very fabric of my being has been altered by this.

the life of my six year old

I'm hanging out the washing, and pondering little Hughie's life.

As friends around me have their next babies and their life paths change, i reflect over the paths our family have taken and how we have arrived here.

Hughie had his second detention at school last week. He is in year 1 and he had one in term one. Now another one. His school life flashed before my eyes. He isn't phased about detention. It's just sitting in a class room in trouble. The word "detention" does not have the same grasp on him as it did me. It won't stop him from doing anything.  I envisige his lunch times wasted away, most days swinging on a chair, given plenty of time to dwell on negative feelings and making Being Naughty, normal.

Detention is something i don't have control over. I can't hover over him at school or in the playground and make sure that he doesn't hit or scratch anymore. I can't tell the teachers to. I can't tell the teachers who he can or can't sit with on the mat. I can't tell the teachers not to give him detention.

Hughie has always been this way - our firm disciplines and boundaries have never been able to reign him in, and he is most comfortable sitting just outside the rules. Six years of this, and now we pick our battles very, very carefully. He will fight hard.

Having said that, if he does make a decision, he sticks to it. There is a particular girl at school, not in his class, that he has been clashing with at lunch times. They have a love/hate relationship and things get out of control before anyone sees anything. Stories have come home about people getting hurt as a result of their games. We have discouraged the relationship all year, asking Hughie to play with his classmates instead. Until last week, he ignored this and did as he pleased. He would just say, but i like playing chasey with her Mum. There isn't anything i can do about where the children play at lunchtime or who is watching them. But last week, we made headway. I asked Hughie to make his own decision about what is right and what is wrong. I said he needs to think about being wise and doing what's right. He has returned from school each day and informed me who he's played with, and that he hasn't played with Rebecca (not her real name of course!). It was all his decision. When he decides, he will stick to that decision. He responds much better to that than beign told what to do.

Our battles with Hughie are very very intricate, and i always feel that nobody understands. I feel encouraged that our same parenting styles have "succeeded" more with his younger brothers - when i say "succeed" i don't mean anything except that they are more obedient.  For instance, each morning, I can say to Nathaniel, can you please go to the bathroom, and wash your face, AND style your hair? Then the next time i see him, it was done ages ago. If i say the same thing to Hughie, i need to prompt him, remind him, remind him, prompt him, follow him, force him and even then the job is half done, and before i know it, I am kissing him goodbye at the school gate and his hair was never touched and he still has toothpaste and milk around his mouth!

When i was hanging out the washing, i was looking at Theo, toddling around, completely involved in his imaginary world of little pirate people and sesame snacks. He is going to be three in a few weeks, and i only have this year left with him at home, as he goes to kindy next year.

I thought back to Hughie's third birthday, and before i knew it i was flitting over his whole, amazing, turbulent life.

Hughie was conceived in less than ideal circumstances, to a lost, 19 year old mother. He was born into the loving home of his grandparents.

We got married when he was 8 months old (Clay's age now)  and moved to CHINA, away from any support network.

I was pregnant again within the next couple of months and Hughie began weaning himself from the breast.

We moved provinces in China when Hughie was just turned 1 and started all over again.  Hughie's strong will became more and more apparent every day and Woz and myself flailed about with our hands in the air about how to deal with him.  Sometimes I long to have these precious early days again, and try again with my experience. When I think back to these days I just have to trust that the Lord had his hand over us all and watched our story pan out, and will work it all to his glory in the end.

Hughie was 19 months old when Nate was born. We lived in Hong Kong for six or seven weeks around his birth. That was a turbulent three months for Hughie as we had two weeks prior to moving to hong kong, of conflicting parenting issues as my grandparents stayed with us on holiday. And then as we anticipated Nate's birth, Nannajenn helped us more than anyone could know. The attention that Hughie demanded at that stage, was now met with the help of Nannajenn. Then we had to settle back into just Woz, me, Hughie and another baby.  Not to mention the international visitors that flowed in in the coming months to meet Nate and see China.

Over our time in China, we made a lot of weekend trips to Shanghai or Hong kong to stock up on western groceries among other reasons. There were stacks of hotel stays and bus trips, train trips. Our only way of getting around was public transport. And then there were several trips back to Perth/Adelaide over those couple of years. When i see Hughie now, I know just how much he needs routine, and when i look back, he really had none! I remember thinking I was doing him and myself a favour, by never giving him routine. Thinking that it's a good character trait, to be able to be flexible.  I would change that if I could!!

Then we moved back to Australia. that was on his second birthday! It took a month for us to travel between Perth and Adelaide, and another six weeks before our furniture arrived at our house in Adelaide. I remember for two months, the confusion about sleep routines, the controlled crying, the tantrums, the battles. Most nights we had people over, to catch up, to eat tea with us at our card table (no furniture!) and trying to settle Hughie each night. Most of our friends at that stage did not have children. Most of our friends believed in coming down with a heavy hand on strong-willed Hughie. It was a confusing time for me. I would change that too if i could!
All this time, Nate, fitting in beautifully with our family.

Then pregnant again! Hughie got another brother shortly after his third birthday.  We found good friends and settled in to a routine of play groups and activities. Hughie started kindy, and learned, horribly, how to be away from me.  We suffered the 'poo ordeal' - a year long drama with poo accidents, poo smearing, constipation and re-training.

We had german backpackers live with us for almost four months over the summer just before Hughie turned four. That was a learning curve for us all. Trying to be generous and reaching out, and teaching our family about living in community which is important to me. This had a big impact on Hughie as there was no space for him to be free to be himself. There were other people to watch him, dob on him. It was helpful in a way, for me, but also a confusing way for him to learn about authority.

Then we moved to the north west.... another big change in Hughie's life (all of our life!) and he started full time school. After six months we moved house again.

The big changes weren't finished as just after his fifth birthday our household grew to accommodate my best friend and her hubby, and also Wozza's parents, who all lived here over the Pilbara winter last year. Hughie got another little brother. He battled emotionally with his grandparents for space in his own home.

And that brings us to now - anticipating moving house again in the near future, maybe even to Perth or who knows where. Hughie's life of change. Yes, we have brought him flexibility and community and hopefully not at the cost of his wellbeing. He is only six and he has come SO FAR!!!

He has moved house Seven times! He has lived in six different cities!! He has gained and adjusted to three younger siblings! He has had to wait for his mother to grow, mature, come into her own! He has lived with not only his five family members, but also at least eight other people in situations of long term temporary accommodation!!  And he has been denied hours of blissful co-sleeping that , I believe, led to weary tantrums and founding bad behaviour patterns!!

A couple of detentions, I am telling myself, IS NOT TOO BAD. This boy is a work in progress. His caring heart and strong will is going to get the best of him. Six years of hard work is behind us and I trust God to get us through every day of the next six. One day at a time.


Hughie, I pray for you every day. That our God gives us and continues to give us the abundant wisdom and love that we need so badly to raise you. Forgive me for my mistakes and inexperience. Be patient with us as we guide you into manhood. and What a man you are going to be! One strong, stubborn Leader. I pray that you don't get told what to do or how to be, but that with revelation from the Lord of his love, grace and mercy for you, you will decide for yourself to strive to be a man after God's own heart.