the life of my six year old

I'm hanging out the washing, and pondering little Hughie's life.

As friends around me have their next babies and their life paths change, i reflect over the paths our family have taken and how we have arrived here.

Hughie had his second detention at school last week. He is in year 1 and he had one in term one. Now another one. His school life flashed before my eyes. He isn't phased about detention. It's just sitting in a class room in trouble. The word "detention" does not have the same grasp on him as it did me. It won't stop him from doing anything.  I envisige his lunch times wasted away, most days swinging on a chair, given plenty of time to dwell on negative feelings and making Being Naughty, normal.

Detention is something i don't have control over. I can't hover over him at school or in the playground and make sure that he doesn't hit or scratch anymore. I can't tell the teachers to. I can't tell the teachers who he can or can't sit with on the mat. I can't tell the teachers not to give him detention.

Hughie has always been this way - our firm disciplines and boundaries have never been able to reign him in, and he is most comfortable sitting just outside the rules. Six years of this, and now we pick our battles very, very carefully. He will fight hard.

Having said that, if he does make a decision, he sticks to it. There is a particular girl at school, not in his class, that he has been clashing with at lunch times. They have a love/hate relationship and things get out of control before anyone sees anything. Stories have come home about people getting hurt as a result of their games. We have discouraged the relationship all year, asking Hughie to play with his classmates instead. Until last week, he ignored this and did as he pleased. He would just say, but i like playing chasey with her Mum. There isn't anything i can do about where the children play at lunchtime or who is watching them. But last week, we made headway. I asked Hughie to make his own decision about what is right and what is wrong. I said he needs to think about being wise and doing what's right. He has returned from school each day and informed me who he's played with, and that he hasn't played with Rebecca (not her real name of course!). It was all his decision. When he decides, he will stick to that decision. He responds much better to that than beign told what to do.

Our battles with Hughie are very very intricate, and i always feel that nobody understands. I feel encouraged that our same parenting styles have "succeeded" more with his younger brothers - when i say "succeed" i don't mean anything except that they are more obedient.  For instance, each morning, I can say to Nathaniel, can you please go to the bathroom, and wash your face, AND style your hair? Then the next time i see him, it was done ages ago. If i say the same thing to Hughie, i need to prompt him, remind him, remind him, prompt him, follow him, force him and even then the job is half done, and before i know it, I am kissing him goodbye at the school gate and his hair was never touched and he still has toothpaste and milk around his mouth!

When i was hanging out the washing, i was looking at Theo, toddling around, completely involved in his imaginary world of little pirate people and sesame snacks. He is going to be three in a few weeks, and i only have this year left with him at home, as he goes to kindy next year.

I thought back to Hughie's third birthday, and before i knew it i was flitting over his whole, amazing, turbulent life.

Hughie was conceived in less than ideal circumstances, to a lost, 19 year old mother. He was born into the loving home of his grandparents.

We got married when he was 8 months old (Clay's age now)  and moved to CHINA, away from any support network.

I was pregnant again within the next couple of months and Hughie began weaning himself from the breast.

We moved provinces in China when Hughie was just turned 1 and started all over again.  Hughie's strong will became more and more apparent every day and Woz and myself flailed about with our hands in the air about how to deal with him.  Sometimes I long to have these precious early days again, and try again with my experience. When I think back to these days I just have to trust that the Lord had his hand over us all and watched our story pan out, and will work it all to his glory in the end.

Hughie was 19 months old when Nate was born. We lived in Hong Kong for six or seven weeks around his birth. That was a turbulent three months for Hughie as we had two weeks prior to moving to hong kong, of conflicting parenting issues as my grandparents stayed with us on holiday. And then as we anticipated Nate's birth, Nannajenn helped us more than anyone could know. The attention that Hughie demanded at that stage, was now met with the help of Nannajenn. Then we had to settle back into just Woz, me, Hughie and another baby.  Not to mention the international visitors that flowed in in the coming months to meet Nate and see China.

Over our time in China, we made a lot of weekend trips to Shanghai or Hong kong to stock up on western groceries among other reasons. There were stacks of hotel stays and bus trips, train trips. Our only way of getting around was public transport. And then there were several trips back to Perth/Adelaide over those couple of years. When i see Hughie now, I know just how much he needs routine, and when i look back, he really had none! I remember thinking I was doing him and myself a favour, by never giving him routine. Thinking that it's a good character trait, to be able to be flexible.  I would change that if I could!!

Then we moved back to Australia. that was on his second birthday! It took a month for us to travel between Perth and Adelaide, and another six weeks before our furniture arrived at our house in Adelaide. I remember for two months, the confusion about sleep routines, the controlled crying, the tantrums, the battles. Most nights we had people over, to catch up, to eat tea with us at our card table (no furniture!) and trying to settle Hughie each night. Most of our friends at that stage did not have children. Most of our friends believed in coming down with a heavy hand on strong-willed Hughie. It was a confusing time for me. I would change that too if i could!
All this time, Nate, fitting in beautifully with our family.

Then pregnant again! Hughie got another brother shortly after his third birthday.  We found good friends and settled in to a routine of play groups and activities. Hughie started kindy, and learned, horribly, how to be away from me.  We suffered the 'poo ordeal' - a year long drama with poo accidents, poo smearing, constipation and re-training.

We had german backpackers live with us for almost four months over the summer just before Hughie turned four. That was a learning curve for us all. Trying to be generous and reaching out, and teaching our family about living in community which is important to me. This had a big impact on Hughie as there was no space for him to be free to be himself. There were other people to watch him, dob on him. It was helpful in a way, for me, but also a confusing way for him to learn about authority.

Then we moved to the north west.... another big change in Hughie's life (all of our life!) and he started full time school. After six months we moved house again.

The big changes weren't finished as just after his fifth birthday our household grew to accommodate my best friend and her hubby, and also Wozza's parents, who all lived here over the Pilbara winter last year. Hughie got another little brother. He battled emotionally with his grandparents for space in his own home.

And that brings us to now - anticipating moving house again in the near future, maybe even to Perth or who knows where. Hughie's life of change. Yes, we have brought him flexibility and community and hopefully not at the cost of his wellbeing. He is only six and he has come SO FAR!!!

He has moved house Seven times! He has lived in six different cities!! He has gained and adjusted to three younger siblings! He has had to wait for his mother to grow, mature, come into her own! He has lived with not only his five family members, but also at least eight other people in situations of long term temporary accommodation!!  And he has been denied hours of blissful co-sleeping that , I believe, led to weary tantrums and founding bad behaviour patterns!!

A couple of detentions, I am telling myself, IS NOT TOO BAD. This boy is a work in progress. His caring heart and strong will is going to get the best of him. Six years of hard work is behind us and I trust God to get us through every day of the next six. One day at a time.


Hughie, I pray for you every day. That our God gives us and continues to give us the abundant wisdom and love that we need so badly to raise you. Forgive me for my mistakes and inexperience. Be patient with us as we guide you into manhood. and What a man you are going to be! One strong, stubborn Leader. I pray that you don't get told what to do or how to be, but that with revelation from the Lord of his love, grace and mercy for you, you will decide for yourself to strive to be a man after God's own heart.