Wow, you've got your hands full.
Four boys!
Gee, that'll keep you busy.
Are you gonna try for a girl?
Are you gonna have any more kids?
The phrases I hear every single time i leave the house!
My pregnancy with Clay was the worst. Not in comparison to other peoples' - but in comparison with the other four pregnancies! LOW IRON LOW IRON LOW IRON. It took me too long to figure out how important it was and how much better I felt if i was a little bit religious about what went into my body. Now that he is seven months old i know that I NEED to remember to take that huge black pill every morning, and sometimes another at night. It really does make a humungus difference when it comes to me acting like a human or not.
So you would reckon that I'd be pretty okay with the idea of it never happening again right???
Why is it that people think they can ask me all the time if it's going to happen again? Is it just because it's a question that springs to mind because it's so obvious that Having babies is my whole life right now? and people just say what they are thinking? Recently we dined with a childless couple. Something sprung to my mind: Are you going to have any kids? But my tact told me maybe not to voice the question. They bubbly asked the question, So, are you going to have any more? We delved into the subject a little and shared our thoughts and feelings. It wasn't until the car trip home that BigW said that he had asked his mate when they were alone, about if they were going to have any kids, and his friend had said that he'd rather not talk about it. So why is it okay for them to ask us so openly?
Yeah, i get it. Cos obviously, they want kids and can't have them. So they are hurting and it would hurt to talk about it with any tom dick or harry.
You know what though? We are in a tough place too. We have FOUR kids. Four little people who demand our time, our friendship, our teaching, our money, our space, our physical care. Four little people who are going to grow up into big people and take up even more time, friendship, teaching, money, but hopefully less space and physical care. Four people might turn into eight people when they marry and then even more later on if they are as blessed as us.
Imagine if we wanted another one? FIVE. That would be- the last seat in the Territory and a Lot of hassle getting the kids in and out of it. That would be - another Year of Low, low iron, fat clothes, fat face, skin pigment moustache, so heavy can't move.... another year.... it's already been four years of it! out of the last six! That would be another couple of thou spent on stuff that we need to furnish another kid...especially if, dare i say it, it was a girl. When i do a weekly food shop, my fridge is crammed full. And Clay is only just barely starting on solids! Imagine if i had five full blown kids eating three meals a day! I'd need two fridges. I'd DEFINITELY need two thermomix bowls, but i probably already do need two.
Big W took me on a date on the weekend. I posed a question I thought I already knew the answer to. When Clay was born, i was pretty certain that I knew what BigW thought..... I assumed this. That he had taken on heaps of my workload during my pregnancy. That he didn't really want this pregnancy and would have been quite happy without another baby. That he accepted the fact that I did and was giving me this gift. When i wasn't coping with the childbirth I was pretty sure that it wasn't worth considering doing it again and that I needed to start to grieve this childbearing part of my life. I assumed that the moment I looked at BigW and said, "Go book in for a vasectomy", that he'd be down there before you could say S E X
Well back to the date. I said to BigW, What would you do if i said the word, and sent you down to the hospital to get fixed. (For fear of the v-word). He hesitated. He HESITATED. And then he said he wouldn't do it, not until he was sure how i felt. He said he didn't know how we would feel in a few years' time. And that Clay was such a delight. He really has brought us so much joy. Maybe we are that little bit more experienced as parents, and maybe we just are that little bit more sensitive to how special these baby months are (and all the months, really) but he has repaid our hardships (see first paragraph) at least a thousandfold if not, heaps more.
So in essence BigW never really stated that he wanted another child, but he did point out that he didn't not, and this has really made a mark on me. At the very least, I know that if we are to grieve this part of our lives, I know we do it together, and that he hasn't left me for dead in that section. We are really good at baby making. Haha. Well baby boy making. I know that when the time comes, I will face an identity crisis of some size, as growing my little family has been my love forever. I am overwhelmingly blessed, yes, and wanting more. Can I cope with more, no not now.
So as weird as it may seem, When all the strangers ask me in the shops if I am gonna have any more kids, or if i'm gonna try for a girl, all this is what runs through my head.
