Well after a harrowing few days, my mind seems semi-organised and the boys are happily playing together so i think i will try and verse what's been happening for me!
It appears I have fronted a storm sent by the devil. He knew how to get to me, guard down, and it's been troubling me. I have been going through the motions of "taking my cares to the cross". The Lord finally answered my prayers today and has brought me a true peace about it. One where I know I'm not imploding feelings that i'll need to deal with later. It's all very fresh though so i will continue to rely heavily on the Lord for strength, wisdom, but most of all, LOVE.
So my last blog touched on most of what is going on, but not really!!... if that makes any sense!! Obviously, i am very passionate about breastfeeding. I want to help mums in Australia breastfeed. I want breastfeeding and extended breastfeeding to become normal in our culture. I want to stop mums from making uninformed decisions about not breastfeeding.
I don't want to say that formula is okay......
...........if breastfeeding can work.
But if breastfeeding can't work, oh, Praise God that there is an alternative.
But what I've learned is that I really don't want to make anyone feel guilty. I don't want to be the person that people think I judge them for not breastfeeding. I don't want people who already feel guilty, to project their guilt and insecurity onto me, tall-poppy-syndrome style.
Last week, in a public, local facebook forum, ---
{I am editing this post after my husband's comments to me about it.
It is supposed to be a blog about how exactly I am arriving at a point where I can forgive someone, and yet, by blogging about it i feel that I am still seeking validation from other people that "I am right" ....missing the heart of the matter entirely.
So this blurb is replacing a whole lot of story that nobody really needs to know the details of.
In a nutshell, I was deeply offended by a close friend, and it all had to do with the issues regarding breastfeeding which are close to my heart. I now know that the Enemy was at work here, finding a way in to my soul to steal away some Love. o! how wonderful that the battle has been WON.}
---This whole last week, I have been going through motions in my prayers: "Help me to forgive her. Help me to seek validation from you Lord. Thank you for being Huge over all this and that it will all work to your glory. Give me wisdom Lord. Lord, help me in this hardship. Help me to not be swayed by these problems..." etc. But i was just feeling like it was motions.... I take my problems to the cross, I get forgiven, and therefore i can forgive..
Easier said than done!
Your heart has to really seek grace and mercy to receive revelation from the Lord. All week it has just felt like motions. going through the motions. There was no emotional peace for me. until this morning.
Except for bouncing thoughts and experiences off Wozza, and concocting random thoughts of prayer, I have been imploding my feelings of frustration and hurt. I have been witholding from sharing them with anyone as it really is not my place to return the judgement, and I know that within women's circles things can turn into bitchy, gossipy muck in the flash of an eye.
I have known all along that I do not need to seek validation from "Betsy"... I have been telling myself I have all i need in the Lord. But then really fighting the urge to go and get confirmation from "Maeve", our mutual friend, about what a bitch "Betsy" has been. Why? Well i thought that it was just for de-briefing, or working out ways to practically deal with it, or to see if she's okay in all of this! It was confronting to realise later that I was actually wanting to do this because I could gain validation from Maeve. Not Betsy as I was aware would not be right, but Not the Lord.
But i was talking to the Lord this morning in the car, and i found otherwise. "Ring Clemence" He speaks, but i wasn't 100% if it was just something i wanted to do. But my heart was speaking the same thing. Clemence... not her real name. my dear friend back "home" in South Australia.... an encyclopedia of biblical wisdom, representing my time of spiritual nurture in our home back in the hills of adelaide. She was removed enough from any of my situations that i felt i could speak to her, and i'm glad i did. I thank God she is there for me. I thank God that she was there for me today. And I thank God that he can use her to speak wisdom in my life.
I was gently reminded that I am made from the same clay as Betsy.
The burden of arrogance or self-righteousness has been lifted when i remember this. I am no better than her! And suddenly, that visual that I have been trying to access comes straight back to me: An ocean, endless to the horizon all the way around me, representing God's endless love for me. His mercies for me never cease, pouring Grace out on me that i could never deserve.
And I can now take my little teeny cup, and scoop up just a little bit of this unending love for me, and pour it on "Betsy".
I joined the mother's circles on FB in order to be nurtured and in turn nurture other moms, to help where I can, advise as needed... however as a Health Professional, I often have to grit my teeth and NOT post. I often feel unfairly judged and not able to defend myself, I often have felt hung out to dry (especially when people post absolute lies about my workplace/colleagues, and I cannot tell the truth without a) making the liar feel very small, and very stupid and b)revealing how I know that they're lying) but I digress...
ReplyDeleteSo I have been walking the tightrope of trying to learn from other moms in order to be the best mom I can be, whilst being afraid of how social media can affect me professionally.
I followed your Betsy/Mary thread on FB with great interest. I couldn't understand why you guys didn't just phone each other and clear up the misunderstanding! But I LOVED your comment about spreading one's wings over your children.
After having read this blog (and the one that preceded it) I have a better understanding of the situation, and I LOVE what you have imparted through this blog. Thank you for this - in debriefing/venting you have taught me and helped me immensely.
What a wonderful God we serve!