Another Son

I am the mother of three boys, ages 5, 3, and 22m, and just discovered yesterday in our 21st week of a far earlier-than-planned pregnancy (we set out wanting five children!!), we are expecting another son. On announcing to friends the news of another boy we received many mixed responses - "oh! i'm so sorry darl" / "are you ok?" / "well, you do make beautiful boys" / "some boys look good in pink!". I have to say that any of these may well be exactly what I would have given to someone else in my shoes, except that on receiving them I didn't appreciate them at all!! The last four months have been spent wondering if we will, in the end be blessed with a daughter. This has been the hardest pregnancy of them all!- which must account for something, right? We were comfortable with the idea of another boy- but maybe a girl first- mainly to erase that uncertainty about gender-preference and constantly justifying the idea that we would LOVE a daughter, and not a son.
So, I freaked out two days ago about the impending scan, wondering whether our decision to find out the gender of our precious bundle was the right one. Perhaps, if it is a boy, it will be easier to accept when he is simultaneously being handed to my breast, taking his first breaths, viewing his mother for the first time, and feeling his da's first touch. I cried tears of frustration- pregnancy is such a long, hard journey, and my husband no longer wants to do it again. He's ready to end this era. If I have another son, I will have to grieve the fact that I will never have a daughter!! Even though the thought of another "me" is incredibly weird and overwhelming - and probably something the Lord knows that I cannot handle!

By the time the sonographer was viewing my perfect baby, checking everything is right, my husband and I were very nervous about knowing the news but by the time he was finished looking at all the most important things, we put ourselves out there and asked to see the baby's gender. And there, another little willy imposed my perception. We laughed in disbelief!! FOUR FRICKIN BOYS. In a row!!! Lord, what are you doing to us??! Hubby is excited and dreaming about future camping trips, sporting events, band practices and surfing and skating together. We then view babe's perfectly handsome profile. My heart brims with joy and love for my new son. We exit the hospital reeling with excitement and giggles and disbelief.  Phew! That was better than I thought it could be!

At this point, the uncertain responses start flowing in, and I assure everyone I'm doing fine, mildly annoyed at the very few "wow! that is awesome - congratulations!" amongst the "oh, god"s.....

It was soon time to pick up my pre-schooler, Hugh. It is the first time I have been able to share my pregnancy with my son who now generally understands the things going on inside my belly and the prospect of a new sibling. I explained how we visited a dr today who took a photograph of our baby inside my tummy and he was able to tell us if it is a boy or girl!! To which I witnessed Hugh's excitement - is it a girl? Actually, a boy. He throws his drink bottle at the dash of the car in anger. I was quick to harness his emotions and telling him our dreams of all the adventures our boys will have together and how there is always going to be enough boys to play cricket in the backyard. Hugh then had a revelation of his baby brother becoming a big brother and starting dreaming of his new little brother. The moment of raw disappointment in not getting a little sister had passed, but it was enough to draw out my raw feelings then. While all the children played happily in the afternoon, I could address my grief for a much longed-for daughter.

Isaiah 26:3
You keep him in perfect peace
    whose mind is stayed on you,
    because he trusts in you.

I am completely glad of the ability to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy now, knowing that it will soon result in a son, and not needing to be nervous about what gender we might expect. Four boys! I pray that they grow up to be great friends, and support for each other in whatever life brings them.



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added the next day

I can't help but add this after my initial debut into the feedback giving world. In my opening statements, I used word for word comments and responses from dearly loved friends and family to portray the environment I was drawing on to work through my experiences. I now feel the need to explain that I knew exactly the heartfelt manner in which the comments were intended for us. I knew that I was taking the comments in ways that I shouldn't! I am giving an honest account of the confusion I felt at the time. To my dear loved ones who gave me messages along those lines: don't apologise. Underneath all the raw stuff, I can sense your love and support and empathy! Keep being honest and don't feel the need to tread on eggshells with me. The worst that can happen now is that I'll blog about it and you will know how I worked through your comment!